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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 12, 1997

Political Yucks: President Clinton asked the GOP-controlled Congress to approve an $8.6-billion disaster relief bill immediately. "That would pay off the Democratic Party debt. Now what about those poor people in North Dakota?" (Jerry Perisho)

* The city of Pamplona, Spain, has invited Clinton to its running of the bulls festival when he attends a July NATO summit. "Just what the president needs. He's already got enough problems running from the elephants in Congress. . . . Actually, the president has other, more dangerous plans. He's going to visit Greg Norman again." (Paul Steinberg)

* The Republicans unveiled their $85-billion cradle-to-grave tax benefits package, which, according to Bob Mills, includes a tax credit equal to a year's country club green fees for any taxpayer upgrading from a Mercedes to a Rolls.

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Down San Diego Way: Saturday, the president will make a speech on race relations at UC San Diego in La Jolla. This is a town that thinks a race problem is when bad weather postpones the America's Cup. (Argus Hamilton)

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Medically Speaking: The American Medical Assn. backs a ban on assisted suicides. Most doctors look at the big picture. Taking a patient's life is not only unethical, in the long run it's extremely unprofitable. (Alan Ray)

* The suicide doctor, Jack Kevorkian, released a compact disc of jazz tunes on which he plays the flute and the organ. "Naturally, his national tour will be called 'Kevorkian: Unplugged.' " (Perisho)

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Earlier this week, a Continental jet crashed into a terminal in Newark, N.J. No one was seriously injured, but it does get worse. Today, the luggage crashed into a terminal in Atlanta. (Steve Voldseth)

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From the Links: Golfers are signing huge deals to endorse products with which they are associated. Greg Norman just signed a deal to endorse Boeing private jets. As you might guess, the choke is automatic. (Hamilton)

* Bob Hope arrived at the Nixon library the other day in a golf cart, prompting Jenny Church to wonder, "How many holes in Nixon's golf course? 18 1/2?"

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Only Sex Joke of the Day: "These Army sex scandals are even affecting kids' toys. Today, Mattel introduced a new GI Joe with butt-grabbing grip." (Jay Leno)

Reader Joanna Bushnell was watching "Gone With the Wind" with her 7-year-old daughter, Kristen. During the burning of Atlanta scene, Scarlet hysterically runs in the street screaming, "The Yankees are comin', the Yankees are comin'!" Kristen turned to her mother and asked:

"Why is she so upset about a baseball team coming to town?"

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