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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 13, 1997

Hot Stuff: U.S. agricultural officials say consumers should use a thermometer to check whether hamburger meat is done. "Or in the case of a Big Mac, a sledgehammer." (Earl Hochman)

* "So if you go to McDonald's and you think your burger's not done enough, to be on the safe side just dip it in your hot coffee." (Jay Leno)

* PepsiCo Inc. plans to spin off the fast-food trio it owns into one company combining KFC, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. Says Jenny Church: "According to the takeover menu, the taco is 39 cents, the burrito, 59 cents, and it's $11 billion for the whole enchilada."

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Sportingly: A new study finds the L.A. sports industry to be basically healthy. Responds Paul Ecker, "It's Shaquille O'Neal's contract for $123 million that makes you sick."

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States' Rights: Money magazine named Nashua, N.H., as the best place to live. It was due to the low crime rate. "Criminals never go near the place except when they're running in the New Hampshire primary." (Argus Hamilton)

* Florida was chosen as the No. 1 state to reside in. "Of course, the poll was taken in Havana." (Joe Kevany)

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Safety Issues: The National Transportation Safety Board urged auto makers to use crash recorders in cars just as airlines use black boxes. "How depressing to think your final legacy could end up being a recording of singing out of tune with the car radio." (Johnny Robish)

* There is some optimism in the settlement talks between state attorneys general and the tobacco industry. "Especially after they all went outside and had a smoke." (Paul Ryan)

Star Power: "Looks like there may be a John John Jr. on the way. I guess he'd be John John John, wouldn't he? The New York Post says that John F. Kennedy Jr. and his wife are expecting a baby. In fact, John's cousin Michael Kennedy told the couple, 'I can recommend a really good baby-sitter.' " (Leno)

* Barbra Streisand and James Brolin are set to tie the knot this weekend on a yacht off Malibu. From Bob Mills: "According to her publicist, Barbra has written the vows, designed the lighting and the wedding party's wardrobe and at the conclusion of the ceremony will toss the rice and sing, 'Oh, Promise Me' accompanying herself on an accordion, a harmonica and a set of knee cymbals."

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Dear Old Dad: Reminder: Sunday is Father's Day. No matter what, Dad was always there with solid words of advice. "Go ask your mother." (Alan Ray)

Reader Eileen Stein took her granddaughter, Sarah, then 4, to Palm Springs. Sarah commented that she had never seen a desert and wanted to know what it looked like. Grandma told her that when they came to where the ground was all sand and there were no trees, she would be in the desert. Sarah looked puzzled but brightened and said:

"Oh, yes, they've got a desert at the beach. I've been there!"

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