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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

June 16, 1997

Woof, woof: Researchers have determined that the human-dog partnership began more than 100,000 years ago, before the dawn of civilization . . .

* Finally, a solution to the undeciphered sentence on the Rosetta Stone. Archeologists now believe it says, "Get this thing off my leg." (Alex Pearlstein)

* Evidence proves the first command of "Fetch" was given by Sen. Strom Thurmond. (Paul Ecker)

Meanwhile, recently in Pasadena, they held several dog weddings. Steve Voldseth wonders what the minister says at the end of the ceremony. "You may now smell the bride"?

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Hollyweird: Actress Geena Davis and director Renny Harlin have separated. Due to California's community property laws, Geena and Renny will divide equally the responsibility for "Cutthroat Island." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* HBO is the first cable company to announce the introduction of digital high-definition TV programming. "I hope it includes subtitles for all of Sly Stallone's lines!" (Cutler)

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Zzzzzzzzzzz: Sen. Max Cleland has been seen nodding off at committee meetings; he says he has sleep apnea and can't sleep at night. From Jerry Perisho: "Here's an idea, Max. Remodel your bedroom to look exactly like a Senate hearing room. Then turn on C-SPAN and you'll drift right off."

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Balls and Bats Department: Baseball introduced interleague play for the first time in history . . .

* "Everyone was in a strange city. The Dodgers were in Oakland, the Mets were in Boston and a Democrat was in La Jolla." (Argus Hamilton)

* The games were a strange phenomenon. "Like exhibition season without all the retired people in the stands." (Cutler)

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Oh, Boy: There's a new toy on the market called the Billy Doll. It's a gay male doll, and it has been causing quite a commotion. The doll is anatomically correct. "Boy, that's gotta be driving Barbie nuts. Finally a male doll with something down there, he turns out to be gay. Isn't that every woman's nightmare?" (Jay Leno)

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From the Mouths of Babes: U.S. fourth-graders scored strongly in math and science. "Well, somebody in the family needs to know how to operate the VCR." (Cutler)

Reader D. Cary's daughter, Martha, was taking her three children on an outing to the ocean. "But only if you're good while I do some shopping," she said. Later, they arrived in Ventura and walked on the pier. It was a beautiful day. As they took in the scenery, Michael, 5, asked:

"When does the ocean close?"

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