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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 17, 1997

The Good Old Days: Today is the 25th anniversary of the Watergate burglary, says Argus Hamilton. "The GOP is letting it pass quietly. They were going to stage a re-creation of the famous break-in, but the Democratic headquarters are in China now."

* "In a special ceremony today, Gerald Ford will reenact his role in the event. He will take the oath of office, read his pardon of Richard Nixon, then hit a spectator in the head with a drive off the third tee." (Jerry Perisho)

* "The scandal gave rise to a call for campaign reform, and now campaigns are completely ethical." (Gary Easley)

*

Annals of Medicine: A panel of medical scholars says physicians need to be taught how to adapt to the managed care system. Some possible seminars for HMO training as proposed by Jenny Church: "Biting the Bullet: The Economical Anesthesia" . . . "New Frontiers in Placebos: Beyond M&Ms" . . . "Radiological Alternatives to Surgery: Retouching Those X-Rays" . . . "Used Popsicle Sticks: Finding Tongue Depressors in Your Grocer's Freezer."

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Around the Country: A bank customer in Colorado Springs was told by a bank employee and a supervisor that the $1.2 million mistakenly credited to his account was his, says Perisho. "Later the bank withdrew the $1.2 million plus an additional $10--the standard $5 each for talking with bank personnel."

House Ways and Means Chairman Bill Archer proposes $85 billion in tax cuts. He says tax cuts are needed to stimulate the economy. Says Hamilton, "If this economy gets any more stimulated, it will test positive for cocaine."

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Sporting Scene: Promoter Don King was inducted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame on Sunday. "King's acceptance speech is expected to conclude this afternoon." (Perisho)

"Recent statistics show that criminals are switching from guns to sporting goods," says Steve Voldseth. "In Poland, the weapon used by criminals is the baseball bat. In Texas, it's the football."

Dennis Rodman was fined $50,000 for his remarks about Mormons. "It has everybody asking a philosophical question," says Hamilton. "If Dennis Rodman says something in the woods and yet nobody hears it, is it still stupid?"

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A Thought for Today: "According to a recent study, when it comes to adultery, they say 50% of American couples have had an affair," says Jay Leno. "You know what that means: That means if it's not you, it's your spouse."

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Reader David Reinard was on the Harbor Freeway with his 2-year-old daughter, Rachel, who noticed some graffiti.

"Look Daddy," she said. "Someone did their ABCs on that wall."

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