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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

June 18, 1997

On screen: "Speed 2: Cruise Control" was the No. 1 movie last weekend, says Steve Voldseth. "It's a little different than the first one. Here, Sandra Bullock gets trapped aboard a Carnival cruise ship, and if the number of times Kathie Lee mentions Cody during her dinner show drops below 55 per hour, the ship blows up."

* "This is the first of three cruise ship disaster films in the works. The others are 'Titanic' and 'Love Boat: The Movie.' " (Alan Ray)

Agreement is imminent on a new system of warning codes for TV programs, says Jenny Church. The content code: Sex--XXX. Bad Language--@#&%! Violence--NHL.

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Unsolved Mysteries: "New York extended city rent control laws that allow 2.7 million people to live in Manhattan for World War II-era rents," says Argus Hamilton. "It begs one question. With that kind of a deal, why are New Yorkers so irritable?"

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Across the Pond: "England has passed the world's toughest new gun law," says Bill Maher. "In fact, the new James Bond film will be called 'License to Fish.' "

"According to a British study, 10% of 'Star Trek' fans meet the psychological criteria for addiction--deprived of their favorite show, some Trekkies show withdrawal symptoms similar to drug addicts. Of course, the real difference being that drug addicts aren't nearly as annoying to be around." (Jay Leno)

The nations of the European Union closed a deal to convert to a single currency, the Euro, by 1999. "The French are insisting the Euro be based on their most valuable commodity--Jerry Lewis videotapes." (Jerry Perisho)

"Due to more stringent libel laws, Kitty Kelley's new book on the royal family won't be published in Great Britain," says Bob Mills. "And it didn't help matters when Queen Elizabeth asked Frank Sinatra if he'd like to split a hit man."

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New in Publishing: Former Air Force pilot Kelly Flinn has signed a book deal for her memoirs. "Despite her decorated flying career, there was still one obstacle she couldn't overcome: the stealth wife." (Ray)

* "This should be a great movie," says Hamilton. "By the time Hollywood gets finished with it, it will be called '30 Seconds Over Fabio.' "

* The book title is "Proud to Be." "That's better than the first title idea: 'How I Joined the Mile High Club on the Taxpayers' Dime.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

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Parenting Corner: "I've discovered that the most powerful influence on kids is when a parent sings in public in front of them." (Dave Barry on "Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher")

Reader Leonard Wise was baby-sitting for a friend's son, and the friend had asked him to see if he could raise the boy's self-esteem. "Baxter, you're a real big guy," Wise told him.

"I'm not a big guy," Baxter replied. "I'm still in a car seat."

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