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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 26, 1997

Technology Bites: "This week marks the 60th anniversary of the invention of the shopping cart, by Sylvan Goldman," says Bob Mills. "Engineers at MIT predict that it will be several more decades, though, before they solve the riddle of getting all four wheels to go in the same direction."

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Earth to Loonies: "The Air Force says aliens didn't land in Roswell, N.M., in 1947. They say they were test-dropping mannequins. After all we've learned about these guys, they probably were blow-up dolls." (Argus Hamilton)

* "You know what that means? Michael Jackson is one of us." (Jay Leno)

* "It took the Air Force so long to come up with an explanation, I'm thinking the report must have been written by Hillary Clinton." (Rob Cox)

* "According to the report, the Air Force was experimenting with various ways of getting rid of adulterous bomber pilots." (Mills)

* "But the Air Force still can't explain the bumper sticker found on the wreckage that reads, 'How am I orbiting? Call Zontar at Belgrad 6.' " (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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Among the Brits: "Wimbledon continues this week," says Hamilton. "It's the only major tennis tournament played on grass courts. The grass is 70% rye and 30% red fescue--the exact same mixture used on Dennis Rodman's head."

The Duchess of York is negotiating with the BBC to do a talk show for foreign consumption because she doesn't want to embarrass the royals, says Paul Steinberg. "Gee, I don't know how to break this to her, but I think it's a bit late for that."

A British Medical Assn. survey of members found 74% are in favor of prescription pot. "What do you expect from a country that puts tuna on pizza?" (Cutler On-Line Prep)

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Our Government: "The armored-car guard who made off with $22 million in March still hasn't been found. $22 million. Hmmmm. Has anyone checked the Lincoln Bedroom lately?" (Bill Williams)

"NASA is considering sending 75-year-old John Glenn back into space," says Steve Voldseth. "He had his landing speech worked out--'That's one small step for man. . . . OK, that's two small steps. . . ' "

"Republican governors are holding their annual convention in Des Moines," says Jerry Perisho. "Why Des Moines, you ask? It's the only city in America where the most exciting thing to do at night is attend a Republican governors convention."

Reader Charles Jenner of Los Alamitos and his wife were caring for their grandchildren, Trevor, 5, and Nicole, 2, while the kids' parents were on vacation. Breakfast at the Jenner home was pretty standard fare. On the third day, Trevor stared at his breakfast and protested.

"I'm tired of cereal and bananas. When do we get to go to Burger King?"

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