And Baby Makes . . . Two

The backyard group is a monthly meeting of a local chapter of Single Mothers by Choice, a national organization of unmarried women who have had or are contemplating having a child on their own, unlocking doors that unmarried women once found tightly bolted. Well-educated, often professional, these are the first daughters of the feminist movement to achieve financial independence and a modicum of power, and they came of age in complicated times.

With nonconventional families on the rise and social stigmas dropping--led by what SMC's dub Celebrity Motherhood, the single moms like Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell--many women believe that short of the traditional ideal of two loving parents, the healthiest environment for a child is to be wanted, to be reared by adults happy with their own lives and to live in a peaceful household. Many single women of childbearing age are daughters of divorce who have seen firsthand how bowing to conventionality can lead to fragmented and painful lives for kids.

Contrary to common assumptions, of the one in three babies born in the United States to unwed mothers (a term members of this group find outdated and pejorative), 60% are born to women older than 30. According to the Census Bureau, of all children born in 1993, 6.3 million were born to single women, up from 3.7 million in 1983 and only 243,000 in 1960.

"It's not an insignificant number, certainly," says Jane Mattes, a single mother of an 18-year-old son and the Manhattan psychologist who started Single Mothers by Choice in her living room in 1981. "And despite what many people would like to think, these kids are doing fine."

She quotes a recent child development and adjustment study tracking family structure. As expected, never-divorced couples had the most well-adjusted children. Single mothers were second, Mattes says, followed by divorced parents.

The key, Mattes says, is stability. "Loss and disruption of any degree are far more detrimental to children than some sort of abstract or perceived loss. If my son never had a father, there's no person who left him, no ache, no resentment."

Her son, Eric, agrees that the father issue "really isn't a big thing," and believes he'll be a good father. "I've been given a lot of love by my mom. So I'll know the most important thing--how to love."

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Baby makes two does seem romantic. No unwanted relationships, bad marriages or divorces. But single motherhood has a slew of complex issues for women to work through. They're concerned with their children's psychological welfare and with the "daddy issue."

"It's the one thing I do worry about," says Linda Eisenberg, 41, a single mom who chose to have her son, Seth, now 5, by artificial insemination. Eisenberg decided in her late 20s that if she hadn't found her life partner by 35 she would have a child--alone. "Perhaps this is selfish, but I knew I didn't want to have a relationship with a man simply because he was the father of my child," she says.

She chose an anonymous donor from one of the dozen or so sperm banks in the Los Angeles area.

Seth is at "the stage now where he's trying to figure the world out, and I know that day is coming when I'll have to explain the situation to him. I'll admit it scares me a little, for him."

But Eisenberg says she and others have opted for the anonymous donor mainly because of potential custody problems. Today, even if a man agrees to certain scenarios, such as waiving his rights, biological parental rights are strong, binding and potentially overriding in most states if parents want to pursue them.

Even though donor insemination has been available to married couples for 20 years, it's been available to single women only in the past five years or so, with many gynecologists still frowning on the practice. So single mothers have a fertility choice that's often confusing to them.

"Initially, I had no problem with the idea of a donor," says Judith Pearls, 43, who is pregnant with a daughter. "Even so, there are now moments when I think, 'Lord, there's an alien inside of me. This might be OK for bees, but for human beings?' She says the feeling passes quickly and she's thrilled by her decision. "I give myself a break, because, after all, this is all a bit cutting edge."

"Sometimes people get through that initial discomfort, and sometimes not," says Dr. Beth Ary, a fertility specialist in Newport Beach. "If they want a baby, I want them to have that child, and my job is to help them view all the options, and then make the choice most comfortable for them, as individuals."