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Punch Lines

September 01, 1997

Wage Slaves' Day Off: Today is Labor Day, says Alan Ray. "Organized labor has garnered better wages and job conditions. Without unions, millions of Americans might right now be working for Nike."

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Big Plaque: "Burger King has introduced the Big King sandwich. For an extra 10 cents, they sprinkle alfalfa sprouts on top and call it the Don King sandwich." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "It's a beef patty with a slice of cheese, lettuce and tomato on a sesame seed bun. See what $40 million of research and development can produce?" (Camille Brewster)

* "McDonald's has complained that the Big King is too similar to the Big Mac," says Brewster. "And as if that wasn't bad enough, Burger King is now developing a scalding cup of coffee."

* "The Big King will go head to head with the Big Mac. The public responded with a resounding 'Big deal.' " (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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Around the Country: Gold Hill, Ore., Police Chief Katie Holmboe has been fired for selling Mary Kay cosmetics out of her patrol cruiser. "Her superiors became suspicious when every suspect got a dusting of Evening in Naples along with their Miranda rights." (Bob Mills)

* "Officials had her dead to rights when she ticketed a woman for driving under the influence of an inadequate moisturizer." (Bill Williams)

* "Apparently, suspects weren't taking her seriously when she shouted, 'Stop or I'll rouge!' " (Morning Sickness)

* "On a positive note, her arrestees always looked good for their mug shots." (Jerry Perisho)

"Naperville, Ill., was declared the most 'kid-friendly' city in the U.S.," says the Daily Scoop. "In 1995, it was declared a broccoli-free zone."

"In Sacramento, the California Assembly has voted to ban the manufacture of Saturday night specials," says Mills. "A rider to the bill that would have banned 'Saturday Night Live' was voted down."

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Sports Scene: The NFL football season began over the weekend. "Which means that for three hours on Sundays, the streets of Dallas will be safe." (Daily Scoop)

* "There is one interesting note. The preseason has barely ended, and the Jets are already mathematically eliminated from the playoffs." (Kaseberg)

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Reader Donna Kelly of Newbury Park had returned from her honeymoon. Her 5-year-old nephew, Grant, realized that her last name was no longer the same as his, and asked, "Aunt Donna, why isn't your name 'Fisher' anymore? She replied that when she got married, she changed her name. Grant said gleefully:

"When I get married, I'm changing my name to Charlie."

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