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laugh times

September 21, 1997

Around the Country: A teenager in Riviera Bend, Fla., torched her mother's house after Mom refused to give her $230 for seven pairs of shoes. "She's a troubled girl," says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "In fact, she's been found to be a pyro-Imeldamaniac."

"General Hugh Shelton was unanimously confirmed as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. His wife is so relieved. It's not every woman who can say her husband was certified a non-adulterer by the U.S. Senate." (Argus Hamilton)

7-Eleven has spent $1 million to establish "police community network centers" in stores in 17 states. Bob Mills notes, "Callers to 911 can now get an emergency police response or the Super Lotto numbers."

Alarming Facts: "According to a CBS poll, women are much better liars than men. At least that's what they say, but they could be lying." (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Time magazine warned people about bad fish. "Last month it was hamburger meat, now it's fish," says Jay Leno. "You know what this means? The safest thing you could eat--Twinkies. Have you ever seen a bad Twinkie? No. Ever hear of a Twinkie recall? No."

Major airlines are raising fares. "Why should the oil companies have all the fun?" (Daily Scoop)

* "Many have also announced cutbacks in morning service," says Alan Ray. "Instead of coffee to keep you awake, they seat you next to a crying baby."

* "Forget the travel agent. You have to call your stockbroker." (Mills)

Weather Word: For a while, it was thought Hurricane Linda would hit the Southern California coast. "Hurricane? Is California trying to hog up all the natural disasters?" (Daily Scoop)

"El Nin~o could produce three times the normal amount of rain. It is already producing three times the normal amount of hype." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Reader Mary Lopez took her sons Gabe, 3, and Jack, 4, to a coffee shop for lunch. After the meal, the waitress asked the children if they would like an ice cream sundae.

"No thanks, I'll have it today," Jack replied.

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