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Punch Lines

April 01, 1998

Lost in Space: China says it wants to start putting people in space. "Not to explore, just to get rid of some of them." (Jay Leno)

Sein of the Times: Scientists say El Nin~o has slowed Earth's rotation by a fraction of a second, giving us a longer day. "This is great news for NBC. Now there's room for another commercial on the final episode of 'Seinfeld.' " (Bill Williams)

Punt for Red October: The NFL approved the sale of the Minnesota Vikings to novelist Tom Clancy. "That's the good news. The bad news is, the team's offensive playbook won't be available in paperback until 2001." (Argus Hamilton)

Mea Culpa Marathon: President Clinton continued his series of apologies in Africa. "On safari in Botswana, he apologized to a bunch of monkeys for that Clint Eastwood movie with the orangutan." (Bill Maher)

Home Not Alone: The upcoming wedding of Macaulay Culkin to actress Rachel Minor will be unique. "The couple will lock themselves in the church and the invited guests will try to break in." (Bob Mills)

Dream Theme: Disneyland is spending $100 million on renovations. "The most popular new attraction is the Hit an It's-a-Small-World Singing Puppet 50 Times With a Baseball Bat ride." (Jerry Perisho)

Birthday Boy: Al Gore turned 50. "At first, friends couldn't make out what Gore said he wanted for his birthday. After listening carefully, they realized he was saying, 'Oil can.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

Gender Benders: According to a survey, a woman is more likely than a man to give another driver the finger. "Except on Hollywood Boulevard, where a woman driver is more likely to be a man." (Leno)

Love Drug: "The new anti-impotence drug, Viagra, is so effective that my pet snake swallowed a pill and is now a cane." (Stan Kaplan)

Indigestion: Reader's Digest is getting a new look to attract a younger, hipper audience. "To win more male readers, the magazine will feature a monthly condensed centerfold." (Premiere Radio)


The Triangle-and-Two'd David Letterman:

Top 10 signs you won't be college basketball player of the year . . .

9. You keep asking the coach what inning it is.

4. Your strategy: Take a shot, do a shot.

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