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April 03, 1998

Barnosaurus Satanicus: The Barney movie opens today. "Where the hell is an iceberg when you need one?" (Jay Leno)

Clinton 1, Jones 0: A judge threw out Paula Jones' suit. "What this means is, O.J. Simpson is now officially the second luckiest man in America." (David Letterman)

Paula R.I.P.: Jones' lawyers are considering an appeal of the decision. "As are all late-night comedians." (Daily Scoop)

Paula III: It's great news for Clinton. "One down, 763 to go." (Dennis Blair)

Paula Fallout: "The flags at trailer parks across the nation are now flying at half staff." (Mark Wheeler)

Paula Sequel?: Clinton still isn't in the clear. "Paula says she may appeal this all the way to the Jerry Springer show." (Leno)

Fly Boy: This week marks the 105th anniversary of the invention of the zipper. "Before that, people had to knock almost twice as long before entering the Oval Office." (Steve Voldseth)

Play Ball: The average salary paid to major league baseball players this year is $1.44 million. "That calculates out to $8,900 per game, or $12 per crotch adjustment." (Jerry Perisho)

Birthday Behemoth: Marlon Brando is 74. "He made headlines around the world this week after being hoisted off the deck of a Coast Guard cutter and released from a sling to rejoin a pod migrating north." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Now Use It on Barney: Michigan police returned the suicide machine they confiscated from Jack Kevorkian. "Kevorkian said, 'It's great to get it back because for the past couple of weeks I had to use a karaoke machine.' " (Conan O'Brien)

Clock Adjustment: Daylight saving time begins Sunday. "This is the weekend Bill Clinton springs forward and Paula Jones falls back." (Cortes)


The Bobbitted David Letterman:

Top 10 ways Clinton will celebrate the Paula Jones decision . . .

9. Borrow the deep-sea craft they used in "Titanic," join the three-mile-deep club.

5. Enjoy giant stack of pancakes while groping Mrs. Butterworth.

3. At press conference, drop pants and shout, "I'm the king of the world!"

2. Call Kenneth Starr in the middle of the night and say: "Subpoena this!"


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