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Punch Lines

April 05, 1998

Competition for Barbie: Hasbro is negotiating with Princess Di's memorial fund to manufacture a Diana doll. "Drunken driver and paparazzi motorcycles sold separately." (Buzz Report)

Lion King: According to Men's Health magazine, the male lion can have sex as often as 100 times a day. "In fact, at 103 times a day, the other animals stop calling him 'King of the Jungle' and start calling him 'President of the United States.' " (Steve Voldseth)

X-Rated: Next year, filming of the hit show "The X-Files" will move to Los Angeles. "The show will change, too. To find altered beings, aliens and strange phenomena, Mulder and Scully will now just drive down Hollywood Boulevard." (Jerry Perisho)

Bawk!: Lee Iacocca was named acting chairman of the Koo Koo Roo chicken chain to put an end to the company's fiscal crisis. "Chickens had been seen running through the boardroom screaming, 'The stock is falling, the stock is falling.' " (Argus Hamilton)

Sinking Feeling: "Titanic" director James Cameron says he wants his next film to be a small romantic comedy like "Sleepless in Seattle." "Of course, he's planning to spend $200 million building a full-size model of Seattle." (Premiere Radio)

Love Bug: Hollywood celebrities are out in swarms trying to buy the new Volkswagen Beetle. "Dom DeLuise told reporters he's already ordered a second Beetle because the first one was delicious." (Premiere Radio)

Storm Watch: El Nin~o continued to plague Los Angeles last week. "It's still dangerous on the roads. Last week, three people were killed in row-by shootings." (Daily Scoop)

R.I.P.: Noted feminist Bella Abzug died at age 77. "In lieu of flowers, the family asks mourners to send burned bras." (Daily Scoop)


The Alternative Top 10:

Dennis Miller's rants about baldness. . . .

1. Wearing a toupee is like covering up a carpet stain with a Day-Glo bean-bag chair.

2. Even if Rogaine works for you, you can never stop using it. Rogaine is the middle-aged equivalent of crack.

3. What is it that possesses Sam Donaldson to sport a rug that couldn't be more obvious if Ali Baba were flying on it?


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