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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

April 12, 1998

Face It: NASA is reporting that the strange rock on Mars looks human because of light and shadows, so it's not a real face. Of course, they said the same thing about Cher. (Gary Moore)

Goodfellas Pizzeria: Filmmaker Martin Scorsese has signed a deal with ABC to develop a TV series. It is tentatively titled "Two Hit Men, a Corpse and a Pizza Place." (Premiere Radio)

De Bont's Disasters: Hollywood's next big diasater movie will be about the Hindenburg, directed by "Speed" director Jan De Bont. De Bont said when he was asked what was the biggest disaster in the last 60 years, only two things came to mind: the Hindenburg and his last film, "Speed 2: Cruise Control." (Premiere Radio)

The Bunny Hop: In the wake of his split with his wife, Kimberly, Hugh Hefner has been spotted in Beverly Hills, dining with a half-dozen girls at a time. When asked why he dines with so many women at once, Hef explained, "Donna cuts my steak, Darla puts it on the fork, Dena pre-chews it." (Premiere Radio)

Spanks for the Memories: The American Academy of Pediatricians has come out against spanking as a form of discipline. The research, which indicates that spanking propagates bad behavior rather than corrects it, was conducted at the Marv Albert Institute. (Ira Lawson)

Puppy Love: According to research by the Mayo Clinic, many preschoolers ages 2 to 5 exhibit signs of sexual behavior. One teacher noted: "Some of the kids are so sexually precocious that they may even grow up to be president some day." (Premiere Radio)

Un-Caged Angel: Nicolas Cage plays Meg Ryan's simply perfect angel in the movie "City of Angels." Throughout the film, he listens to her every word, cares for her and is considerate. It's science fiction, because no man has ever been able to do this for two consecutive hours. (Argus Hamilton)

Going Postal: According to a new study, managers are twice as likely to die from a heart attack immediately after firing an employee than at any other time. Except for Postal Service managers: They're just twice as likely to die. (Steve Voldseth)

Alternative Nation: There'll be no Lollapalooza tour this summer. I guess fans will have to find an alternative alternative. (Premiere Radio)

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SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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