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Punch Lines

April 14, 1998

Shrink to Fit: Californians are more likely than other Americans to get audited. "Sure. The IRS has to audit all those multiple personalities. Can you imagine what Roseanne's taxes look like? 'I'm sorry, ma'am. Twenty-two different personalities cannot all claim a home office deduction on the same office.' " (Premiere Radio)

H & R Sunblock: It's not all bad news for California taxpayers, who are twice as likely to be audited. "California tax auditors are four times more likely to have nice tans." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Entertainment Tax: "Here's something on your income tax return that will get you audited: After you've been arrested for lewd conduct in a restroom, deduct bail as an entertainment expense." (Jerry Perisho)

A Taxing New Toy: "To teach kids about taxes, there's a new toy: Audit-Me-Elmo." (Jenny Church)

The Taxman Goeth: "How does an IRS employee commit suicide? He taxes himself to death." (Church)

The Taxman's Game Plan: "What's the IRS penalty if you send in Monopoly money? Go to jail, go directly to jail." (Church)

Fancy Footwork: "Since the peace agreement in Northern Ireland, President Clinton is focusing on a more difficult problem: Settling the feud between 'Riverdance' and 'Lord of the Dance.' " (Premiere Radio)

The Holy Seasoning: Peace was reached in Northern Ireland between Protestants and Catholics. "They compromised on their one major difference: They agree to refer to the Virgin Mary as Immaculate Spice." (Argus Hamilton)

What a Rotten Egg: "A funny thing happened at the White House Easter egg hunt. Inside every chocolate bunny was a subpoena from Ken Starr." (Bill Williams)

To Die For: Jack Kevorkian's lawyer wants to run for governor of Michigan. "He's got a good plan to solve the Social Security problem: Kill everyone over 65." (Jay Leno)

Sein-Off: Every network is paying homage to the final "Seinfeld" episode. "ABC paid tribute during its broadcast of 'The Ten Commandments' by changing commandment No. 3 to 'Thou Shalt Not Reveal the Ending of Seinfeld.' " (Ira Lawson)

Candy Not So Dandy: A candy company has come out with Spice Girl lollipops. "Great, now they suck in more ways than one." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

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