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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

April 17, 1998

In God We Trust: The Rev. Jerry Falwell has asked President Clinton to confess his sins and get help if he's a sex addict. "Clinton says he's a firm believer in God. In fact, the president is often heard in the Oval Office screaming, 'Oh God, oh God, oh God.' " (Vic Cohen)

The Final Frontier: "There's another 'Star Trek' movie in the works. It's going to be called 'Star Trek IX: The Final One, We Promise.' " (Andrew Wisot)

Here's a First: Paula Jones is expected to announce that she'll be appealing a judge's decision to throw out her sexual-harassment lawsuit against President Clinton. "This is the first time that 'Paula Jones' and 'appealing' have ever appeared in the same sentence." (Premiere Radio)

Dog-Gone Blues: A new medication designed to calm dogs that suffer from anxiety when separated from their owners has been approved for sale in Europe. "The drug has been tested successfully on collies, poodles and Tommy Lee." (Premiere Radio)

Pee-Wee Puppy: "When I was a kid, we didn't know that dogs had separation anxiety. We just thought they liked to go on the carpet." (Alex Kaseberg)

Religious Experience: "Vice President Al Gore announced air safety as his No. 1 priority, which includes tougher engine inspections, installation of too-low warning devices and banning Robert Schuller from flying." (Earl Hochman)

Whatever Floats Your Boat: The ratings are in for "Love Boat: The Next Wave." It doesn't look good. "Just to give you an idea, they are changing the theme song to 'Nearer My God to Thee.' " (Kaseberg)

Guns N' Moses: The governor of Alabama has released new guidelines that would allow students to pray aloud at school ceremonies. "I can hear the prayers now, 'Please let little Johnny miss me when he opens fire.' " (Bill Williams)

You've Got Mail: "The CIA has unveiled a new Web site custom-made for kids. Little ones who log on will find a history of the agency, a description of what the CIA does and which of their classmates has the cooties." (Olympia Daily World)

Frequent Flier Jailbird: A judge in Maine has sentenced a man who was removed from an airplane for refusing to stop smoking to a $1,000 fine and seven days in jail. "It'll cost him $600 if he reserves his cell 14 days in advance, pays the fine within 24 hours and stays over a Saturday night." (Steve Voldseth)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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