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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

April 19, 1998

Hush Puppies: It's National Secretaries Week. "At IBM they get flowers. At AT&T, they get taken out to lunch. And at the White House, they get hush money." (Argus Hamilton)

Tough Love: In a new documentary, Soon-Yi Allen is shown talking back to her husband, Woody, and being disrespectful. "Woody responded by sending Soon-Yi to her room without TV privileges." (Premiere Radio)

No Show: "Howard Stern calls Dr. Laura 'less than a nobody' after the radio therapist says she won't join CBS because they signed Stern. Too bad. 'Stern and Sterner' would have been more fun than Ali and Frasier." (The Daily Scoop)

Upside Downey: "A 500-pound steel joint crashed at Yankee Stadium. Hearing there was a 500-pound joint at the stadium, Robert Downey Jr. bought season tickets." (Premiere Radio)

Duck for Your Life: A new study says men are living longer but not as long as women. "There's a simple explanation: They've learned how to duck." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Rx 4 (Heart) : "All the magazines for women have these tips on how to avoid meeting Mr. Wrong. Women, best way to avoid Mr. Wrong: Check his medicine cabinet. If he's got Beano, Rogaine and the new impotence drug Viagra, just keep moving." (Jay Leno)

Cybersex Fix: Microsoft is planning an image-boosting campaign. "Bill Gates will have sex with his intern." (Premiere Radio)

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Starr Tracks:

* "Ken Starr thinks White House video security cameras caught Monica Lewinsky's visits into the West Wing. You know where this is going. This fall Fox will have a hit series called 'Tales of the Hallway Patrol.' " (Argus Hamilton)

* According to a USA Today poll, when women were asked who recently sent them a love letter, 47% said their husband; 15%, their boyfriend; and the rest wouldn't say. "But the letters have been subpoenaed by Kenneth Starr." (Premiere Radio)

* Whitewater special prosecutor Kenneth Starr's investigation just went over $35 million in funding. "For that kind of money, Congress could have bought 17.5 million meals for the poor, several thousand homes for the homeless, and two screwdrivers, a hammer and a toilet seat for the Air Force." (Marco Del Chairo)

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SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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