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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

April 20, 1998

El Nino FX: Kenneth Starr won't be taking the job as dean of the Law School at Malibu's Pepperdine University. "He hasn't been watching the Weather Channel. Since Starr's last visit, the school has moved to Laguna Beach." (Argus Hamilton)

That President's Room: Miss America told a crowd she can't discuss safe sex in some places. "For instance, in South Carolina, she's not allowed to say the words 'condoms,' 'needle exchange,' 'alternative lifestyles,' 'heterosexual,' 'homosexual' or 'Lincoln.' " (Hamilton)

I Want My . . . Movie: "Finally, some good news for George Michael. He's just been signed to star in his very first feature film: a sequel called 'The Big and Then Small Lebowski.' " (Steve Voldseth)

Here's the Proof: According to the Journal of the American Medical Assn., about 100,000 people die from prescription medication every year. "Well, they don't actually die from the medicine. They kill themselves trying to get off that childproof cap." (Vic Cohen)

Golden Opportunity: According to Redbook magazine, men who wear gold wedding bands suffer less pain from arthritis in their hands. "It's not from the gold in the ring--it's from constantly working their fingers taking the wedding band off when a pretty girl walks by. 'Hey, how are ya, babe?' " (Jay Leno)

Pulpit Fiction: Lawmakers in Kentucky will allow ministers to carry firearms in rural churches. "Boy, one thing's for sure: You really don't want to fall asleep and snore during the minister's sermon." (Paul Steinberg)

What a Dummy: Researchers are designing a smarter test dummy to replace the 1970s version. "Actually, the new dummies may be too smart: They're now demanding personal accident insurance." (Steinberg)


Dicey Symptoms

From Premiere Radio, some top signs you've got a gambling problem:

* Upon meeting someone for the first time, you put a coin in his mouth and start yanking on an arm.

* You make the down payment on your house in red, white and blue chips.

* After sex, you tell your wife, "Double or nothing."

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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