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Punch Lines

April 21, 1998

Suicide Platform: Jack Kevorkian's lawyer has formally joined the race for governor of Michigan. "His platform promises a chicken in every pot and a running car in every garage." (Joshua Sostrin)

Popcorn Extra: Business Week says studio executives are considering a proposal to tie movie ticket prices to production costs. "For example, a ticket to 'Titanic' would cost $19.20, admission to an independent film like 'The Full Monty' would cost 29 cents--and Pauly Shore would owe everyone $78.95." (Steve Voldseth)

Mr. Bill: President Clinton is in South America to settle some trade problems. "He's also going to make a big apology for the U.S. not stepping in and doing something about Charo." (Bill Maher)

If the Peel Doesn't Slip, You Must Acquit: After a recent TV interview, O.J. Simpson pretended to stab the interviewer with a banana. "Then out of force of habit, he threw the banana in a Louis Vuitton bag, dumped it in a trash can at LAX and flew to Chicago." (Jay Leno)

Minimum Wage: California is considering a bill to raise the pay of jurors from $5 a day to $16. "Or even more if they agree to pay attention to the evidence." (Maher)

Space Food: The space shuttle Columbia took off from Florida last week with a cargo of 18 mice, 152 rats and 1,500 crickets. "It's an experiment to see if a Los Angeles restaurant can survive in outer space." (Argus Hamilton)

Windows of Opportunity: Justice Department officials have obtained internal Microsoft documents that would support a new antitrust case. "Man, I hope the federal government wins. I like to root for the little guy." (Dennis Miller)

Ebenezer Gore: " 'ER' had a very special episode last week. Doctors used the jaws of life to try to open Al Gore's wallet to get a charitable donation." (Leno)

Five-Finger Discount: Seventeen nail salons have been robbed in New York City. "Police have given up trying to dust for fingerprints." (Joe Kevany)

Buy It or Else: "The latest celebrity food product is a margarine from Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro called 'You Better #@$%-ing Believe It's Not Butter.' " (Julie Silvis)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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