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Punch Lines

April 23, 1998

Here Comes the Bride: Rumor has it that Dennis Rodman is engaged. "Wouldn't it be embarrassing if, at the wedding, the groom showed up in the same dress as the bride?" (Alex Kaseberg)

Charles in Charge: According to the National Enquirer, Charlie Sheen wants to change his name in an attempt to get rid of his bad image. He now wants to be known as Charles. "That's a good idea. Worked great for Manson, didn't it? Remember when he was Charlie and he was nuts? But he's Charles now." (Jay Leno)

Wacko Jacko: Michael Jackson is having a submarine built for him to escape any asteroid that might hit the Earth. He would be the only one left to perpetuate the species. "The question is, what species would that be?" (Argus Hamilton)

Sit, Roll Over, Pray: Artist Steve Huneck is building a church in Vermont where people and their dogs can pray. "To make the canines feel more at home, when water is added to the communion wafer it makes its own gravy." (Premiere Radio)

Musical Charities: Michael Bolton is investigating his own charitable foundation after discovering that only 15% of the money raised went to the needy. "Who's running the thing? Al Gore?" (Daily Scoop)

Heat Wave: "It was so hot the other day that Jerry Springer's guests were beating each other over the head with lawn chairs." (Leno)

Baron von Clinton: This week in 1918, the famous World War I flying ace the Red Baron was killed. He had 80 successful hits before he was shot down. "Which is pretty much Bill Clinton's record until Paula Jones." (Leno)


The Essential David Letterman:

Top 10 ways to irritate Bill Gates . . .

9. Accuse him of sexually harassing your LaserJet printer.

7. Ask him if they caught the guy who did that to his hair.

5. Leave his Spock ears on your dashboard so they melt.

3. Drop hints that Oprah's richer than he is.

2. Www him right in the dot-com.

1. Two words: dork tax.

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