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Punch Lines

April 24, 1998

Play 'Live and Let Die' Backward: Authorities now aren't sure where or how Linda McCartney died. "Hmmm. Sounds like another McCartney-is-dead hoax." (Ann Harrison)

Scarlett Fever: "Gone With the Wind" might be re-released. "But it would be updated for the '90s. They'll call it, 'Two Guys, a Girl and a Civil War.' " (Jay Leno)

A Bird in the Hand: South African officials are planning a slaughter of pigeons after hearing that homing pigeons are being used to smuggle diamonds out of the famous mines. "Yesterday they found a statue of a general in a park that had a street value of $300,000." (Leno)

The Terminatrix: In an interview, Dennis Rodman said he wants to be the next Arnold Schwarzenegger. "And if that doesn't work, he wants to be the next Maria Shriver." (Conan O'Brien)

Call Forwarding: Customers are furious that GTE accidentally released 50,000 addresses and phone numbers. "Now there's even worse news for those customers. GTE says the information was also passed on to Al Gore as a list of potential donors." (Joshua Sostrin)

Canine Cards: Hallmark Cards has introduced a line of dog thank-you notes. "Don't we already have thank-you notes from dogs? My dog has been leaving them on my neighbor's front lawn for years." (Steve Voldseth)

Latest Buzz: All the rain we've had means more flowers, which means killer bees will come. Scientists say killer bees are no more dangerous than lightning. "Except lightning doesn't chase you down the street, into your house and fly up your pants leg." (Leno)

Past Wives: Mary Kay LeTourneau, the Seattle teacher who's pregnant with a second child by her 14-year-old former student, says she and the boy had 10 children together in a past life. "Her story was confirmed by Shirley MacLaine." (Ira Lawson)


The Essential David Letterman:

Top 10 signs your top 10 list sucks:

10. No. 10 isn't funny.

8. Three of the jokes are exactly the same.

7. Three of the jokes are exactly the same.

6. It's called "Top 10 Signs Your Top 10 List Sucks."

5. Three of the jokes are exactly the same.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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