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Punch Lines

April 26, 1998

Squash My Wife, Please: "Species II" is about a half-woman half-spider who has sex with men, then kills them with her claws and fangs. At the end of the movie, a disclaimer says, "Any resemblance between characters in this film and persons living or dead is purely coincidental." "Is that disclaimer really necessary? Are there large groups of giant nympho-cannibal spider women?" (Jay Leno)

Dr. Bill: President Clinton will receive an honorary doctor of philosophy degree Monday from Hebrew University in Jerusalem. "Don't be fooled. In Hebrew, everything is read backward, which means he's really being honored for his philosophy of playing doctor." (Argus Hamilton)

Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammo: Kentucky now allows clergy to wear concealed weapons in the pulpit. "First to take advantage of the new law was the pastor of Our Lady of Charlton Heston near Louisville." (Bob Mills)

Beam Us Up, Yankee: George Steinbrenner wants a new location for Yankee Stadium. He hates his present neighborhood. "Not only did a 500-pound beam just fall off the upper deck onto the lower seats, but somebody stole the beam." (Hamilton)

Sex Pill: "For cases where the new anti-impotency drug Viagra works too well, there's now an antidote. It's called Viagra Falls." (David Fryden)

Goring Gore's Ox: "I saw a TV commercial for one of those save-the-children foundations that says for just 75 cents a day to charity, you can feed a whole family. Now they have another commercial that says if you give 96 cents a day to charity, you can become vice president of the U.S." (Leno)

Tickle Me, Comrade: China's new version of "Sesame Street" is a bit different from the American one. "Big Bird has been plucked and hung upside down in Mr. Hooper's window." (Axel W. Kyster)


Bob Mills' Substitute Top 10 List

More cargo airlines are making room for passengers. Telltale signs that you've been stuck on one of these flights include:

* Instead of a boarding pass, the guy at the ticket counter stamps your forehead

* Everyone's carry-on luggage is wrapped in brown paper and secured with string.

* Instead of being directed to a boarding ramp, you are dropped down a chute.


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