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Punch Lines

April 29, 1998

Wayne's World: "The Aladdin Hotel was taken down. Las Vegas has no more of its old landmarks, except Wayne Newton." (Gary Easley)

Monkey Tales: Koko, the gorilla with the 500-word vocabulary, recently joined an America Online chat session. "Like a true chat-room user, he kept asking, 'Are you naked? I am.' " (Jerry Perisho)

Showoffs: "Did you see last night's big network overlap when the characters from 'Ally McBeal' and 'The Practice' appeared on each other's shows? Next, the crazed gunmen from 'The World's Scariest Police Chases' will appear on 'The Nanny.' " (Premiere Radio)

Nap Time: The Columbia astronauts discovered that humans snore in space. "Last weekend, I discovered humans snore during 'Lost in Space.' " (Perisho)

Kathie's Kids: "One of the most popular cartoons on TV today is Comedy Central's 'South Park.' Those are some of the biggest brats on television. I mean, besides Kathie Lee Gifford's kids, of course." (Perisho)

Me and Mrs. Jones: "Bill Clinton and Paula Jones both attended the White House Correspondents Assn. dinner. The president took special care to behave himself by putting only his napkin on his lap." (Easley)

Munch Music: "There's a new Broadway musical being developed based on the music of Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead. I think it's called 'Man of La Munchies.' " (Jay Leno)

Where There's Smoke: New York City will use undercover teens to nab merchants who sell cigarettes to minors this summer. "The teens earn $6.25 an hour and all the Nicoderm patches they can handle." (The Daily Scoop)

Remotely Mature: "Parents complain that they never see mature ratings for TV programs. Hey, you never see any mature shows, either." (Easley)


David Letterman's top 10 rejected replacements for "Seinfeld":

10. "Saddam Husseinfeld"

6. "Touched by George Michael"

5. "Dharma and Greg and George and Leo and Hiller and Diller and Malcolm and Eddie and a Pizza Place."

2. "The '60 Minutes' Guys Get Their Prostates Examined"

1. "Just Cancel Me"

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