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Punch Lines

January 04, 1998

* Unstuck in Time: A government agency is racing against the clock to prevent computer chaos in the year 2000. "At the millennium, computers will think that the year is 1900 and they are steam threshing machines." (Michael Feldman)

* Life in the Fast Lane: "I had a close call on the 405. A woman in the lane next to me was doing 65 while putting on her eyeliner, and she started drifting into my lane. It scared me so much I knocked my electric shaver into my coffee with my cell phone." (Steve Voldseth)

* If the Shoe Sticks, Wear It: In the 15th century, South Americans made shoes by dipping their feet in the sap of a rubber plant. "Today, that's unnecessary. We have movie theater floors for that." (Voldseth)

* Bad Masonry: Comedian Jackie Mason is offering a deal where he'll perform your wedding ceremony, pose for pictures and attend the reception for $60,000. "For $70,000 he'll stay away." (Premiere Radio)

* Behind the Times: The American Assn. for Nude Recreation says the No. 1 favorite activity among nudists is swimming. "The least favorite is raising honeybees." (Jay Leno)

* McIceberg Action Figures: "McDonald's has another movie tie-in promotion. Now with your Happy Meal, you can collect all the steerage passengers from the Titanic." (Camille Brewster)

* Titanic II: "Everybody's still talking about that huge, billion-dollar sinking ship. But enough about NBC without 'Seinfeld.' " (Leno)

* Question of the Day: "Would you have rather been on Amistad or the Titanic?" (Daily Scoop)

* Must Flee TV: NBC bigwigs are looking for a show to replace "Seinfeld." Among the pilots: " 'Touched by an Anvil,' in which a 19th-century blacksmith dispenses wholesome frontier values, and a Seinfeld spinoff, 'Kramer vs. Kramer,' in which Cosmo Kramer volunteers for a cloning experiment that produces an evil twin." (Bob Mills, Ann Harrison)

* Don't Sphinx Twice, It's All Right: Restoration of Egypt's famous Sphinx is complete after seven years. "The renovation was carried out by archeologists, historians and three Beverly Hills plastic surgeons." (Mills)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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