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Punch Lines

January 07, 1998

Tastes Great, Less Driving: An Ohio judge ordered a habitual drunk-driving offender to move within walking distance of a liquor store. The judge said he couldn't think of any other way to keep the guy from driving drunk. "Hello? How about jail?" (Jay Leno)

Tastes Great, Less Drowning: Three men whose boat capsized in Florida were rescued after hanging onto their ice chest until help arrived. "Typical guys. The boat's going down in the middle of the ocean and they're thinking, 'Save the beer!' " (Leno)

A Complete Unknown: Bob Dylan might receive a Grammy. "He's up for Best Performance by a Legend Whose Son Had the Better Year." (Daily Scoop)

Scream 3: "Monday's earthquake scared one tourist so much he actually ran into a theater showing 'The Postman.' " (Leno)

R.I.P.: Silent film star Billie Dove has died at 97. "Doctors knew the end was near when Dove wrote out her last words on a title card." (Premiere Radio)

The Postman Always Shoots Twice: The Postal Service has issued stamps commemorating each decade of the 20th century. "A lot has changed since 1900. Back then, mailmen carried only single-shot rifles." (Alan Ray)

A New Deduction? The IRS has mailed out tax forms. With the forms, they're also sending out organ donor information. "What more do they want from me? Not just my money, now they want my pancreas, too?" (Leno)

The New, Nicer IRS: "The IRS has come up with new greetings to compete with Ed McMahon: 'You may already be a loser.' " (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Daddy's Girl: "Meanwhile, Woody Allen is thrilled to get his tax forms. He's got big savings coming. Because his wife is also his daughter, he gets two deductions." (Leno)

Self-Destructing Harry: "Woody has also begun his next autobiographical movie; it's called 'Father of the Bride.' " (Leno)

Canonized by the Media: Princess Di's family will charge people to visit Diana's grave, tour a Diana museum, then lunch at a restaurant inside a converted stable. "It's right near the manger where she was born." (Argus Hamilton)

Say 'Cheese': A photographer caught the president and the first lady slow-dancing on the beach in their bathing suits. "It looked staged. They're lucky Buddy didn't run into the picture and turn it into one of those old Coppertone ads." (Hamilton)

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