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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

January 08, 1998

Demerit Badge: The California Supreme Court is hearing arguments over whether the Boy Scouts violated any laws by denying membership to gays. "It seems to me that any group that walks around in scarves and little shorts should not criticize somebody else's life." (Jay Leno)

Negative Image: There's controversy over a vacation photo that was printed of President Clinton and his wife, Hillary, dancing in their swimsuits. "Some people think it violates the first family's right to privacy; others think it violates the public's right to never see the president and Hillary in bathing suits." (Conan O'Brien)

Cirque du O.J.: In an interview with Esquire magazine, O.J. Simpson said, "If I killed my wife, it would've been because I loved her very much." "Wow, he really stuck his Bruno Maglis in his mouth this time." (Daily Scoop)

Journalism 101: After a televised barking and hissing match between Buddy the dog and Socks the cat, CNN brought on an animal behavior expert to comment on what happened. "Hello! One's a dog and one's a cat. Do we really need an expert?" (Leno)

Tiananmen Stock Exchange: "Emboldened by their success in stopping a flu virus by exterminating 1 million chickens, Chinese officials now plan to deal with the Asian economic crisis by rounding up and killing a million stockbrokers, economists and investors." (Roy Rivenburg)

The Verdict: The good news for Oklahoma bombing conspirator Terry Nichols is that he escaped the death penalty. "The bad news is he's been sentenced to 20 years of downhill skiing." (Tom Allard)

Pro Bono: "Al Gore wants to require air bags on all trees." (Argus Hamilton)

Must Sink TV: NBC has paid $30 million to broadcast the film "Titanic." "They plan to break the film up into 30-minute segments and air it Thursday nights under the name 'Seintanic.' " (Premiere Radio)

More Seinfeld: "Why is it always the good ones who leave? How come you never see, 'Urkel calls it quits'?" (Leno)

*

The Butchered David Letterman:

Top 10 signs you won't win a Grammy:

6. Sticker on your CD reads, "Parental Warning: This record sucks."

4. Critics agree: Your CD makes a great drink coaster.

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