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Punch Lines

January 11, 1998

* Send in the Clones: Medical schools are worried about a shortage of cadavers, fearing that a lack of practice bodies could mean graduating less-qualified surgeons. "I feel this problem will take care of itself because the less-qualified surgeons we have, the more cadavers we'll end up with, and the problem will right itself." (Jay Leno)

* Junkies of the Caribbean: Plans are underway to build an amusement park honoring the Grateful Dead. "Signs posted at the entrance of each ride will say: 'You must be this high to enjoy this ride.' " (Mark Efman)

* If the Shoe Fits, Kiss It: Former Filipino First Lady Imelda Marcos has asked Dick Morris to run her Senate election campaign in the Philippines. "This is a match made in heaven. He has a foot fetish and she has 10,000 pairs of shoes." (Argus Hamilton)

* Coffee, Tea or Me? "It must have been strange for Frank Gifford, cheating on his wife with a flight attendant. You think while they were in bed she was saying, 'In the event that your wife comes home early, please note the location of the nearest emergency exit.' " (Leno)

* Polluter Prize: A panel of environmental experts says the Mayak plutonium weapons factory in Russia's Ural Mountains is the most contaminated place on Earth. "Close behind is Ted Kennedy's liver." (Olympia Daily World)

* Galloping Gourmet: Dom DeLuise was scheduled to appear as a chef on ventriloquist Shari Lewis' new cooking show for kids. "Unfortunately, while taping the show, DeLuise ate Lamb Chop." (Premiere Radio)

* Let Me Be Your Puff Daddy: "Now that smoking is banned in California bars, guys are getting lucky in singles clubs by telling girls: 'You know, my bedroom has a smoking section.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

* Snug as a Bug: Volkswagen will sell an updated Beetle in the U.S. this spring. "If the cars don't do well with the public, Volkswagen can sell them to Shaquille O'Neal as basketball shoes." (Jerry Perisho)

* Crocodile Dunce-dee: A Florida alligator wrestler is recovering from bite wounds after sticking his head into the mouth of a 200-pound gator: "So far, 3,500 lawyers have refused to sue the alligator on behalf of the wrestler, citing professional courtesy." (Bob Mills)

* Tupperware Cars: At the Detroit Auto Show, Chrysler unveiled a new car made out of plastic. "When you open the sunroof, it makes that pfffttt sound." (Leno)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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