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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

January 12, 1998

Cat Fight: "More went on during last week's fight between the two White House pets than meets the eye. Today, Socks filed a lawsuit claiming to be able to identify certain 'distinguishing characteristics' on Buddy's body." (Steve Voldseth)

Walk Till You Drop: A study says walking prolongs life. "Especially if you've been offered a ride by Ted Kennedy." (Daily Scoop)

We're All Here Temporarily: William Kelly, founder of the Kelly Temporary Agency, died at age 97. "His remains now go to an indefinite, long-term assignment in the ground." (Voldseth)

Tickle Me, Comrade: China is launching its own version of "Sesame Street." "Kids will learn to read and think from the show's main character, Big Brother." (Alan Ray)

Frogcedrin: Scientists have created a painkiller from a frog. "It's not the first time that researchers have tried to extract medicine from reptiles. But it's difficult to get a lawyer to sit still." (Ray)

Cowboy Gets the Boot: Barry Switzer has stepped down as coach of the Dallas Cowboys but will act as a consultant to the team. "By 'consultant,' they mean 'parole officer.' " (Joshua Sostrin)

Letter Man: The Unabomber judge may let suspect Ted Kaczynski represent himself. "During a pretrial conference, the judge asked Kaczynski what he was mumbling and Kaczynski said, 'I can't tell you because of attorney-client privilege.' " (Premiere Radio)

The Friendly Skies: Congress may rename National Airport the Ronald Reagan Airport. "It will take awhile to make the changes. They have to redo all the signs, print new luggage tags and fire all the air-traffic controllers." (Argus Hamilton)

Titanic II: The UPN-TV network is creating an updated version of "The Love Boat." It will be called 'The I Care for You Very Much, but I'm Not Ready to Make a Commitment Yet Boat.' " (Premiere Radio)

*

The Diluted David Letterman:

Top 10 surprises in "Titanic" . . .

9. Floating corpses played by former associates of the Gambino family.

7. Several minutes devoted to a lovely synchronized swimming routine.

3. At the end of film, everyone is saved by those babes from "Baywatch."

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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