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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

January 14, 1998

Faulty Logic Department: They've got Ted Kaczynski on a 24-hour suicide watch. "The idea is to keep him alive so we can put him on trial to make sure he gets the death penalty." (Jay Leno)

Love Bug: "Volkswagen has issued a remake of its classic Beetle, lovingly re-created down to the smallest details: One of the radio knobs is missing, the heater is broken and to get the windshield wipers to work you have to honk the horn." (Alex Kaseberg)

Global Warming?: Ice storms paralyzed northeastern Canada. "It's their worst winter since 1814. That year, it was so cold they had to burn the White House to stay warm." (Argus Hamilton)

Killer Conditions: Freezing weather has also created hazardous road conditions on both coasts of the U.S. "But if you're in Oregon and you spin out, you have a choice of being towed or getting a doctor-assisted suicide." (Bill Williams)

Pirates of the Mediterranean: Iran's President Mohammed Hatami says there are plans to build a $200-million theme park in Iran. "It's a lot like our Disneyland, except their Tomorrowland is the 14th century." (Leno)

R.I.P.: A public memorial for comic Chris Farley was held in Santa Monica. "Unlike Sonny Bono's funeral, it wasn't covered live by CNN, but it was on the Food Channel." (Daily Scoop)

Jailhouse Shock: "Actor Christian Slater need not fear his 90-day jail term. The L.A. County Jail does its best to make stars feel right at home: A transfer to another jail is called a 'career move' and solitary confinement is 'a closed set.' " (Bob Mills)

Keeping Up With the Jones: "President Clinton should have settled out of court with Unabimbo Paula Jones before she raised her demand from $700,000 to $2 million. His umbrella insurance policy covers him for $2 million for sexual harassment, so he could have paid her the $700,000, avoided an embarrassing trial and still had enough money to harass two more women." (Leno)

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The Best of David Letterman:

Top 10 least popular items found in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame gift shop . . .

9. Gift basket of food combed from ZZ Top's beards.

4. New desk calendar: "The 365 weirdest things Elvis ever ate."

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