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Punch Lines

January 15, 1998

D.C. Tagger: A woman on a tour of the White House sneaked a can of spray-paint into the Blue Room, then defaced two statues and a wall. "She was arrested, taken away and given a $10-million grant by the NEA." (Argus Hamilton)

Cirque du O.J.: In a recent interview, O.J. Simpson said he loves coming to New York City because he gets a warm reception. "If he thinks it's warm in New York, wait till he gets to his final destination." (David Letterman)

No More Visa Ads? Bob Dole has registered as a foreign agent for Taiwan in an effort to improve its business relationship with the U.S. "A lot of Americans don't think it's right for an ex-presidential hopeful to roam the halls of our nation's Capitol while taking money from Asian businessmen. That's Al Gore's job." (Steve Voldseth)

The Unfriendly Skies: The FAA ordered the inspection of 211 Boeing 737s to look for loose bolts in the tail. "It's a cover-up. The truth is the planes were built with 1 inch more legroom than the airlines wanted." (Bill Williams)

Math Problem: The newfangled "sampling" technique for the census created such a fuss, they're going back to an older system. "Everyone from Maine to Hawaii will simply stand up and count off." (Jenny Church)

Mad Scientist Inc.: Scientist Richard Seed wants to open the world's first fertility clinic to clone humans. His goal is to enable infertile couples to clone one of their cells and raise the baby. "One day, Soon-Yi could clone Woody Allen and finally get a boyfriend her own age." (Jay Leno)

R.I.P.: Walter E. Diemer, the inventor of bubble gum, has died at age 93. "In keeping with his wishes, his body will be cryogenically frozen and placed on the underside of a movie theater seat." (Voldseth)


The Butchered David Letterman:

Top 10 other ways CBS can spend $4 billion . . .

7. Send formal apology to every U.S. citizen for "The Dukes of Hazzard."

6. Buy enough medication to keep the "60 Minutes" guys alive for another season.

5. Obtain rights to broadcast Canadian Football League for the next 3,000 years.

1. Fix everything that has ever annoyed Andy Rooney.

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