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Off-Kilter

January 19, 1998|ROY RIVENBURG | Times Staff Writer

Toilet Humor Department: Every day, in laboratories and research centers around the world, brilliant scientists struggle heroically to unlock the mysteries of the universe, explore new galaxies and synthesize miracle drugs. But only rarely do they make a discovery so revolutionary that it changes the very fabric of civilization: the automobile, the airplane, the computer chip and now . . . the Toilet Seat Nightlight. From Silvo Home Hardware comes a $29.99 contraption that promises to end the "seat up vs. seat down" battle that has plagued humans for centuries. Equipped with state-of-the-art sensors, the coaster-sized device attaches to the underside of a toilet lid and detects whether the seat is up or down at night. If it's down, the device glows green. If it's up, it glows red, and even projects a bull's-eye beam into the water for accurate aiming. Illinois-based Silvo can be reached at (800)331-1261 or on the Internet at http://www.silvo.com.

Motel Stag Party: The room came with free cable, a mini-refrigerator . . . and a live deer. Lenny and Sheila Feldstein had settled down for a long winter's nap last week at the Shire Motel in Woodstock, Vt., when a white-tailed deer came sailing through the picture window of their first-floor room. The animal stumbled around for a moment, then barged into the bathroom, where it somehow got locked in.

A game warden was summoned to free the deer, which eventually sprinted back into the wilderness, unharmed. The Feldsteins were also unscathed, although they did have trouble falling asleep again. We want to know what the deer did while it was locked in the john. Flush narcotics down the toilet? Apply mascara? Did anyone hear the sound of an electric razor?

Fore Play: Want to improve your golf game? Try smashing your club into a ball emblazoned with the face of your least favorite public figure. An Ohio company is peddling golf balls with the mugs of the Clintons, Jesse Helms, Rush Limbaugh, Jesse Jackson and Newt Gingrich. To order, call (419) 243-1130.

Voyeurs R Us: Those of you who are burned out on the Tommy and Pamela Lee sex video now can seek another vicarious thrill. The San Diego Wild Animal Park is offering a Valentine's Day tour on the erotic life of jungle creatures. The $79 package includes a ride through the park in the back of an open safari truck, a chance to feed carrots and apples to giraffes and rhinos, and a lecture from wildlife experts on the amorous adventures of wild animals.

The lecture, accompanied by dessert and liqueur-spiked coffee, covers such topics as "What is foreplay for an Indian rhinoceros?" Answer: The male and female follow each other around for awhile, then mount for hours. "You can tell the next morning if they had sex because the female will have muddy footprints on her back," a spokesman says.

The late-afternoon tours are conducted Feb. 9-14, and again in May, June and July. No one under age 21 admitted. Gift certificates are available.

Statistic of the Day: Citing a University of Chicago study, Premiere Radio reports that only 10% of couples who have sex during the first month of dating end up marrying. Those who wait a year or more have a 50% chance of walking down the aisle.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "Woman Tries to Cure Painful Foot--With a Shotgun!" (National Enquirer)

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributors: Associated Press, Wireless Flash, Hotline, Olympia Daily World

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