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Punch Lines

January 20, 1998

Lost in Space: Sen. John Glenn, 76, will return to space to study the effects of weightlessness on aging. "Glenn will become the oldest man in space, unless you count William Shatner in 'Star Trek VI.' " (Premiere Radio)

More Glenn: "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for Geritol." (Mark McCracken)

The Un-Uncola: A new and improved 7-Up debuted over the weekend. The company says the drink has a new, crisp taste. "To make the drink even more popular, they'll be calling the new 7-Up 'Coke.' " (Premiere Radio)

Sweet and Sour Elmo: "Producers of the new 'Sesame Street' in China say it's just like the American version, except it takes four episodes to finish the alphabet song." (Craig Kilborn, Comedy Central)

Box Office Bomb: "Good Will Hunting" is a movie about a young math genius who is frequently in trouble with the law. "Or as I call it, 'Ted Kaczynski: The Early Years.' " (Ann Harrison)

Must Fee TV: NBC will pay $13 million per episode for "ER." "But NBC accountants have devised a way to recoup the money within six months. They're going to have the cast treat real patients." (Bob Mills)

The Iceman Phoneth: A 5,000-year-old frozen iceman who was discovered in the Alps went on display in an Italian museum. "Later, embarrassed museum officials realized they had actually found Al Gore on a ski trip." (Harrison)

Fidelity: Martha Stewart will report from Cuba during the pope's visit. "Her first segment will demonstrate how to make a freedom raft from lacquered plantain bananas." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Gospel of O.J.: In an interview with ESPN, O.J. Simpson compared himself to biblical figures Job and Jesus because they also experienced persecution. "Yeah, but neither of them played golf or killed their ex-wives." (Olympia Daily World)


The Butchered David Letterman:

Top 10 Things That Will Get You Kicked Out of the White House . . .

10. Ask Hillary, "So which number mistress are you?"

9. Tell the president he looks even more dishonest in person.

2. Say to guard, "Hi, I'm the president's brother, Roger. . . ."

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