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LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

January 22, 1998

Unabombshell: Ted Kaczynski revealed he might have had other cabins deep in the wilderness. "Although his main cabin--which had no power, phone or plumbing--was nice, sometimes he just needed to get away from it all." (Premiere Radio)

More Unabomb: Kaczynski has been declared competent to stand trial. "He told the psychiatrist he was innocent, but said if he had blown anyone up, it was because he loved them very much." (Alex Kaseberg)

Keeping Up With the Jones: Hillary Clinton said that while the president was being deposed in the Paula Jones case, she did some household chores. "Little things like sewing Bill's pants to his shirts." (Conan O'Brien)

Tang Man: "This whole thing about sending the elderly into space is part of NASA's study to determine if it's possible to hold a Rolling Stones concert in outer space." (Jay Leno)

Tryst of Fate: "President Clinton said in a speech this week that Martin Luther King Jr. was perhaps the greatest leader of the 20th century, with the possible exception of Bob Packwood." (Steve Voldseth)

Swimsuit Edition: Clinton met with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu this week. "Netanyahu said, 'On behalf of the entire civilized world, please don't ever let yourself and Hillary be photographed in your swimming suits again.' " (Jerry Perisho)

Dick Clark for Veep? Geron Corp. researchers believe they've found the fountain of youth. They now can keep cells alive indefinitely. "It looks like Ross Perot will be running for president every four years through 3000." (Argus Hamilton)

Deer Season: Officials in Baton Rouge, La., have introduced a proposal to ban the hanging of deer carcasses from trees because the bodies stink and attract flies. "This is the same reason why you're not allowed to hang Willie Nelson from a tree." (Premiere Radio)


The Letterman's-on-Vacation Alternative Top 10:

Excerpts from Hotline's top 10 rejected state tourism slogans:

10. Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Mosquito Breeding Grounds

9. New Jersey: Smell the Excitement!

2. Utah: The Other White Meat

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