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January 23, 1998

Scandal in the Wind: Bill Clinton's alleged affair with a White House intern means Al Gore "is now just an orgasm away from the presidency." (Jay Leno)

Scandal II: "Only Clinton could divert people's attention off a sex scandal with another sex scandal." (Leno)

Scandal III: "You gotta feel sorry for Hillary. In fact, she's written a book, 'It Takes a Village to Keep an Eye on My Husband.' " (Leno)

Bill's Legacy: "Americans can be assured of one thing after this administration leaves office: They won't rename any White House sleeping quarters the 'Clinton Bedroom.' " (Paul Ecker)

Clinton's New Bumper Sticker: "If you see Air Force One a-rockin', don't bother knockin'. " (Zack Taylor)

It's a Small, Expensive World: It now costs $38 to get into Disneyland. "To give you an idea how much that is entertainment-wise, for the same $38 you could walk out of the movie 'The Postman' five times." (Steve Voldseth)

Bunny Hop: Hugh Hefner, 71, and his wife, Kimberly, 34, have separated. "Apparently Hef is having an end-life crisis." (Premiere Radio)

More Waterbed-gate: "White House intern Monica Lewinsky should've been suspicious when Linda Tripp answered the phone with 'Testing . . . one, two, three, testing.' " (Daily Scoop)

Clinton's Next Step: "Have you seen 'Wag the Dog'? If I were Albania, I'd be real nervous right now." (Daily Scoop)

Unabombshell: Ted Kaczynski has been declared competent to stand trial. The judge in the case will also decide whether to let him be his own attorney. "Does Kaczynski really want to represent himself? That's giving the jury a chance to execute a murderer and his lawyer at the same time. It might be a little too tempting." (Leno)


Bob Mills' Substitute Top 10 List

Top 10 developments during the pope's Cuba trip . . .

10. John Paul II arrives in Vatican airplane equipped with distinctive stained-glass windows.

9. Cuban peasants roar approval when pope declares he will canonize Desi Arnaz.

8. After long conference with pontiff, Fidel Castro announces that Cuba's new official sport will be bingo.

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