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THE JAUNDICED EYE

The Busman's Portfolio

January 25, 1998|Rick Moranis | Rick Moranis is an actor and writer

NEW YORK — *

Martin Zeliman

Zeliman Management

2A River Street-Side Door

Hoboken, N.J.

*

To: Alton J. Caskarden, Esq.

Chairman, First & Goal Hedge Fund

NFL Securities

#1 International Financial Plaza

Green Bay, Wis.

*

Dear Mr. Caskarden,

First, let me reintroduce myself, in case you don't recall our delightful conversation in the "Absolut Citron" box at the NFC Final. I am the representative of Eddie Wayne, principal Bus driver for Fox Television Star John Madden. You generously expressed the possibility that you might consider waiving the minimum initial investment of $1 million for the First & Goal Hedge Fund if you felt Eddie's portfolio had the potential to grow rapidly. Well, let me share just some of our exciting plans with you.

In our strategy to position Eddie as "The Premier Driver in America," next season he will be wearing, both on and off the Bus, a deer suede driving jacket, featuring the logos of several major corporations, including Krispy Kreme Donuts and Weatherall Wipers. (No photos of Eddie appear without our OK.)

We are in discussions with ESPN 4 for the development of a pregame show to be called, "Tailgating with Eddie Wayne." Each week the bus will park in the home team's parking lot for Eddie to host an hour of barbecuing, beer and broads. We already have commitments from Celebrity Chef Paul Prudhomme and the Statler Brothers, who, I'm told, have a very nice bus of their own. The Team Owners are also very interested in Eddie's proposal to sell time-shares for choice stadium parking spots, which would, of course, peak in Madden game-weeks. (We hold the option.)

Eddie will be sharing in net revenues from Madden's New Microsoft NetBookie, which features online gambling chat forums up to game time, tracks odds nationwide and registers all wagers using the Bus as a base. The vig will not be taxable, as a second bus registered in Montana and driven with Nevada plates will house the hardware. Eddie holds the option to tow, or subcontract. Starting in 2000, pending Justice Department decision, NetBookie will be bundled with all Microsoft's updated Windows 98 software, tentatively called WindOOws.

Should Madden leave Fox for CBS, the Charles Kuralt Estate is interested in developing a "road" concept for Eddie. We have already booked a Square Dance in Houston and a Demolition Night in Indianapolis. (The Bus will not be damaged.) Krispy Kreme will have high visibility at both events. Should Madden go to Monday nights, Disney/ABC is talking about a high-definition remake of "Driving Miss Daisy" starring Madden and Eddie, to be shot during the All-Star break. (We hold Playstation rights.)

In other areas, Eddie is a partner in his brother-in-law Sal's retail bedding outlet called "The Sack." We hope to spin this off to the bathroom and beyond, franchising nationally by Super Bowl L. And Eddie's book, "10 Propositions to Elucidate Crosswords Facilely," is close to completion.

Now the exciting news. We are talking to the Casey Martin people about having Eddie drive the golf cart during off-season. Should the case go to the Supreme Court, Eddie will drive Casey to Washington. And our injunction against Jerome Bettis' use of the term "The Bus" may be settled out of court, as a direct result of our new golf associations. I am currently talking to the Callaway people about licensing the brand name "Big Bertha" to Bettis. (Madden, unofficially, loves this!)

As you know, the half-time shows next year will all be of Super Bowl quality, complete with hydraulic staging and fireworks. CBS will undoubtedly showcase its prime-time stars, in what will be called "15 Minutes," produced by Don Hewitt, while Fox will rely heavily on the Macy's Bart Simpson float. It is Eddie's intention, knowing the vehicular requirements of the top performing show-biz acts, to secure the contract to handle the cleaning and maintenance of all celebrity buses in and around NFL '98 venues. (Both Morley Safer and the Statler Brothers have committed.)

As you can see, big things are in store for Eddie Wayne. Some of the many billions of dollars floating around football will surely find their way to us. It is in this spirit that I enclose a check for $412 as Eddie's opening deposit into your fund. "Let the Blue Chips fall where they may."

Looking forward to seeing you at the game!

Martin Zeliman

P.S. I am implementing the league's request that all appliances--microwave, toaster-oven, coffee-maker, etc.--in the Bus be changed from General Electric to another brand.

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