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January 26, 1998|ROY RIVENBURG | Times Staff Writer

A Possible Sitcom for Court TV? A Nebraska judge is under investigation for allegedly tossing firecrackers into a colleague's chambers, signing court documents with the name "Adolf Hitler" and setting a defendant's bail at "a zillion dollars." According to the Chicago Sun-Times, the charges were filed by a second judge who was apparently disgusted by the juvenile behavior. Then again, the second judge has since admitted making pig noises at the first.

Judge Lance Ito's courtroom is starting to sound tame by comparison, huh?

Private Parts II: Maybe Bill Clinton would have been happier as a radio disc jockey. After all, Howard Stern gets paid to ask women to remove clothing in front of him. And, according to a recent deejay survey, sex in the workplace is far more acceptable at radio stations than at the White House. More than half of the jocks polled by All Star Radio said they'd had sex at least once in their station's on-air studio. And, according to a survey breakdown by the Wireless Flash news service, 50% said they'd used the station's listener request lines to find a date. An added bonus for shock jock Clinton would be free romantic dinners. Two-thirds of the deejays admitted making on-air mentions of favorite restaurants as a way to get complimentary meals.

Macabre Humor Department: An anonymous press release was making the rounds on fax machines and the Internet last week. Signed only by "the trees" and written in ransom note typeface, it said: "Stop the logging or we will continue to kill one celebrity each week. There are no skiing 'accidents.' "

Best New Advertising Slogan: For the upcoming "Godzilla" movie: "Size Does Matter." Actually, we thought that slogan was already copyrighted for the Pamela and Tommy Lee video.

Sobering Dates in History: We're a little puzzled over why the media made such a big deal last week about the 25th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, the Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion. They ignored two much more ominous anniversaries. Friday was Barney the dinosaur's birthday, and Thursday marked the 20th anniversary of the soundtrack from "Saturday Night Fever" reaching No. 1 and officially canonizing disco music.

Cheap Publicity Stunts Department: Apparently you can get something for nothing. A Massachusetts potato chip company is trying to benefit from the demise of NBC's "Seinfeld" by offering free bags of chips to anyone who mails in . . . nothing. Because the show is about "nothing," company officials decided to build a promotion around the same theme. Send in an empty envelope (well, except for your return address) and a bag of chips is yours. The address is: Cape Cod Potato Chips "Thanks for Nothing" Seinfeld Campaign, 100 Breed's Hill Road, Hyannis, MA 02601.

But we're not sure this is such a great idea. Too many envelopes being mailed back and forth might not go over well with "the trees."

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: "Crow Flies in Kitchen Window and Steals $1,200!" (Weekly World News)

We hate it when that happens. We once left a window ajar and had a 19-inch color TV stolen by a kleptomaniac crow. But we digress. In the Weekly World News article, the evil black bird took a cash-filled envelope, flew to a nearby rooftop and ripped the loot to shreds. The victim said, "From this day forward, I will always hate crows."

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at

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