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LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

January 26, 1998

Waterbedgate: President Clinton met with PLO leader Yasser Arafat last week. "Afterward, the president said, 'The meeting went well and we did not have sex.' " (Conan O'Brien)

Fornigate: "After five years of investigations, special prosecutor Ken Starr has finally found the smoking gun, and apparently it's in Clinton's pants." (Jay Leno)

Santa Monica: Responding to charges he urged Monica Lewinsky to perjure herself, Clinton said, "If I did violate constitutional law, it's only because I love the Constitution very much." (Jerry Perisho)

Shuttle Diplomacy: "If I were the president, I'd tell John Glenn to have a seat so I could get off the planet for a few months." (Mark Efman)

Cirque du O.J.: O.J. Simpson said in an interview last week that he's still trying to bring the killers of his ex-wife, Nicole, and Ron Goldman to justice. "Hey O.J., forget about it. We tried that once. It didn't work." (Leno)

Cirque du NBA: Basketball star Chris Webber was pulled over for speeding, driving under the influence and possessing marijuana. "He was charged with impersonating a Dallas Cowboy." (Efman)

The Ad Will Be a 30-Second Spot: The new impotence drug Muse will be shown in TV ads. "Unfortunately, Nike stole the original slogan, 'I can.' " (Alan Ray)

Infidelity: Martha Stewart went to Cuba to cover the pope's visit. Her only faux pas happened just before Mass, when she tried to recommend a wine." (O'Brien)

The Bong Show: Christie's is auctioning some of Timothy Leary's possessions. "It makes sense to have his stuff sold to the highest bidder." (Brian Harrie)

We Can't Resist One Last Clinton Jab: "This just in: A federal judge has ruled that Clinton is potent to stand trial." (Steve Voldseth)

We Lied, Here's Another: A recent dinner raised $25 million to preserve White House artwork. The money will replace carpets and broken china. "Sounds like a new dog and an angry wife to me." (Argus Hamilton)

Really, This Is It: A CNN legal analyst said we shouldn't assume Clinton is guilty. Everyone thought Richard Jewell was guilty, too, and they were wrong. "But you can't really compare Jewell to Clinton. One's a big Southern doofus, the other's a wealthy, respected former security guard." (Leno)

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