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January 30, 1998

Let There Be Light: It's the 118th anniversary of the invention of the electric lightbulb. "Before that, the big question was: Does the candle in the refrigerator blow out every time you close the door?" (Steve Voldseth)

Health Police Update: Twinkies were recalled in 21 states because of possible asbestos contamination. "Isn't that overreacting? Since when have Twinkie eaters ever been worried about the things being unhealthy?" (Alan Ray)

Fidel Knew: Former White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta testified Tuesday. "Two years ago, only 30% of Americans knew that Leon Panetta was a California congressman. The rest thought he was a fine Cuban cigar." (Argus Hamilton)

Chokeholds R Us: At a hearing this week, Latrell Sprewell and Golden State Warriors coach P.J. Carlesimo went face to face for the first time since the choking incident. "But when the judge announced there was a 'gag order,' Carlesimo ran for cover." (Jerry Perisho)

I Did Not Inhale, I Did Not Unzip: To his credit, Clinton is now defending Monica Lewinsky, saying she was no different from any other White House intern. "He said, 'She takes my pants off one leg at a time just like everyone else.' " (Voldseth)

Monicagate: Hillary Clinton said she didn't know about the scandal until she woke up last Wednesday morning. "That's when she rolled over and found Lewinsky lying next to her." (Conan O'Brien)

Monica II: Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose naked. "This confirms what Clinton said in the State of the Union address: He is creating high-paying jobs for young people." (Jay Leno)

Snow Job: Hillary blames a vast right-wing conspiracy for Bill's latest travails. "And cheating husbands everywhere are now saying, 'Honey, it wasn't me, it was those right-wing people who put that lap dancer in my lap!' " (Leno)

Ancient Ant Farm: Scientists have discovered a 92-million-year-old fossilized ant. "That places the insects somewhere between the earliest trilobites and Strom Thurmond." (Kenny Noble Cortes)


The Very Abbreviated David Letterman:

Top 10 cool things about having an affair with the president:

8. You now belong to a select group of 48,000 women.

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