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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

July 02, 1998

Where the Beef Isn't: Costco is recalling 172,000 pounds of tainted hamburger meat. "Customers know the sales slip was not a misspelling when they were listed as 'beef potties.' " (Will Couzin)

Mayberry Revisited: A local North Carolina businessman bought Andy Griffith's boyhood home for $79,000. "I hope Aunt Bee gets to keep her room." (Premiere Radio)

A Bad Rap: L.L. Cool J's sitcom, "In the House," is headed back to NBC as a backup series. The comedy started on the Peacock network before pulling a stint on UPN. "And they always return to the scene of the crime." (Premiere Radio)

Shark Bites: A poll of lawyers in the United States shows that 50% think President Clinton lied about the nature of his relationship with Monica Lewinsky, while 42% believe he told the truth. "The other 8% tried to bill the time to answer the question." (Dennis Miller)

Academy Watch: A man convicted of impersonating a member of Congress was sentenced recently to nine years in prison. "His lawyers immediately appealed the harsh sentence on the grounds that he was only pretending to be a congressman." (Steve Voldseth)

Take Two: Steven Spielberg has begun work on a second sequel to "Jurassic Park" due for release in 2000. "In the new script, the dinosaurs team up with Godzilla and destroy the Titanic." (Bob Mills)

KFC Goes CIA: The 10,000th Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise has opened in China. "Meanwhile, Congress is accusing Clinton of selling China the Colonel's Secret Recipe." (Premiere Radio)

Lawton's Laws: Florida Gov. Lawton Chiles has banned fireworks for the Fourth of July because of the forest fires still burning through the state. "Revelers will just have to settle for the booms and pops of tourist shooting." (Jeff Corveau)

Laugh-In: Dan Quayle said he would probably seek the Republican Party's nomination for president in 2000. "Political analysts say it's unlikely that anyone would support his candidacy except comedians." (Johnny Robish)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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