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LAUGH LINES | Punch Lines

July 05, 1998

Fiesta Food Group: The Department of Agriculture says salsa is a vegetable. This is the same USDA that sought to count catsup as a vegetable in 1981. "Other condiments under consideration include mustard, mayonnaise and the Spice Girls." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Court Side: The Supreme Court has ruled that "decency" can be a consideration for awarding federal arts grants. The bad news is this ruling may be a blow to artistic freedom. "The good news is federal money will never be wasted coloring Dennis Rodman's hair." (Joshua Sostrin)

Court Side II: The government gets to make the call on arts grants? "Do we really want bureaucrats deciding what's artistic? Have you seen how government buildings are decorated?" (The Daily Scoop)

A Stiff Deal: In Ontario, a high school senior whose prom date backed out on him is taking a mannequin instead. "It's believed he's the first person to do that since Tipper Gore." (Conan O'Brien)

Matrimony Chastity: According to a survey in Bride's Magazine only 1% of husbands say they were virgins on their wedding night. "However Michael Jackson claims he was a virgin on both wedding nights." (Jay Leno)

Prehistoric Flicks: Scientists now think birds descended from dinosaurs. "I think that's true. Look how fast 'Godzilla' flew out of the theaters." (Leno)

Polluted Breezes: The American Lung Assn. says 30 states have already exceeded new summer smog limits. "Apparently, the only way for citizens of those states to stay healthy now is not to breathe until fall." (Andy Waits)

The Essential David Letterman:

A Condensed Top 10 Founding Father Pick-Up Lines

10. "I hold this truth to be self-evident--you're a babe."

8. "Some people call me the 'Fondling Father.' "

5. "If somebody ever invents the telephone, can I give you a call?"

4. "All men are not created equal, if you know what I mean."

1. "Give me liberty or give me sex."

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SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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