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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

July 07, 1998

Legendary Performances: Elizabeth Taylor may star in a movie called "The Visit." "It's always a good marketing move to put Liz Taylor in a movie. Even if only her ex-husbands show up, you're guaranteed a great opening weekend." (Ira Lawson)

Double Take: Japanese scientists say they have cloned two calves from the same cow. "However, some say if you've seen the calves on Monica and Hillary, you would swear it's been done before." (Argus Hamilton)

Doodle Dummies: American history college entrance test scores are way down among Southern California high school seniors. "It gets worse every year. In California, kids think that July 4 is Codependent Day." (Hamilton)

Aromatic Aerobics: A rare flower with a horrible odor bloomed in Miami's Fairchild Tropical Garden. The smell was so bad that the security guard wore a gas mask. "He said he hadn't smelled anything that awful since Richard Simmons visited directly after sweatin' to the oldies." (Lawson)

I'm Every Woman: RuPaul is the latest spokesperson for Rockport shoes. In the ad, he's dressed as a man with a quote that says, "I'm comfortable being a man." "Wouldn't that be like President Clinton showing up in an ad for abstinence?" (Andrew Wisot)

Titanic Purchase: Disney has launched its long-awaited 2,200-passenger cruise ship Disney Magic in Italy. The ship should face little competition. "Disney has leased exclusive rights to the Atlantic Ocean during the peak tourist season." (Bob Mills)

Capital Idea: Princess Diana's brother, Earl Spencer--who condemned the press for capitalizing on his sister's death--opened a Diana museum on his estate and is charging $15 for admission. "No word yet on when Spencer plans to market a Diana action figure." (Alex Kaseberg)

Forever Green: Barbra Streisand and James Brolin got married after a long engagement. "After emerging from the wedding, Brolin spotted the press and, out of habit, said, 'We're just friends.' " (Kaseberg)

Moore Matrimony: "Rumors are circulating in Tinseltown on the real reasons behind the Bruce Willis-Demi Moore split: (a) he had a larger earring collection than she did, (b) she had more hair, (c) he insisted on a blowup of her Vanity Fair cover in the bathroom, or (d) she constantly ran "Striptease" on the bedroom VCR." (Mills)

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