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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

July 13, 1998

Immoral Inklings: Pat Robertson said a month ago that asteroids and hurricanes would hit Florida if Disney held Gay Day. "You know he could just kick himself for not throwing in 'fire' for old times' sake." (Argus Hamilton)

The Bill of Rights: President Clinton signed an executive order that will penalize companies that deny coverage to the poor and people with preexisting conditions. "Wonder if it'll cover my preexisting condition of having no money to pay for health insurance?" (Johnny Robish)

International Performance: Disney's studio chief is defending the box-office prowess of "Armageddon." He says it'll take in up to $185 million domestically and lots more overseas. "I guess Bruce Willis is a better actor in another language." (Daily Scoop)

Going Up?: Thousands turned out for a new age music concert given by pianist John Tesh in Palmdale, Calif. "How they managed to cram that many people into an elevator is still a mystery." (Bob Mills)

Lethal Age: The difference between "Lethal Weapon 1" and "Lethal Weapon 4"? "Extras are hired from homes for the aged." (Earl Hochman)

Big Bills: Hasbro is planning to introduce its first new Monopoly game token since 1943. "The front-runner is a teeny little bust of Bill Gates." (Paul Steinberg)

I Pledge to Whom?: John Schneider, a star of "The Dukes of Hazard," testified before the Senate urging that desecration of the American flag be banned. "When his testimony was over, the Senate thanked him and asked, 'Who the heck are you?' " (Conan O' Brien)

New Poll: It's estimated that 69% of Americans say the military is better off without the draft. "The other 31% are no longer free agents." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

The Toad Tales: Researchers at Stanford University said they have developed a new and improved "virtual frog" so students can dissect it over the Internet without the gore associated with an actual lab. "It is still not clear whether students will be able to kiss the screen and create a virtual prince." (Robish)

Small Spots: The people behind "Seinfeld" came up with an hour of highlights from the past nine years and called it "The Clip Show." "UPN's following with highlights from all their shows, but there's a problem. They only have about a 4-minute show." (Andrew Wisot)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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