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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

July 14, 1998

Political Promotions: President Clinton and House Speaker Newt Gingrich took the stage in Atlanta to kick off a $195-million anti-drug ad campaign. "Some messengers. About all they proved is that smoking pot in college makes you prematurely gray." (Argus Hamilton)

Valley of Giants: "A Philadelphia utility company will purchase the Three Mile Island nuclear plant under one condition--they get rid of the pesky 6-foot cockroaches." (Buzz Report)

Historic Battles: It was announced that 50-year-old George Foreman is going to fight 49-year-old Larry Holmes on Jan. 23. "This could be the first fight in history ever to be stopped due to prostate problems." (Jay Leno)

Forgettable Battle: The big pay-per-view wrestling bout featuring the NBA's Dennis Rodman and Karl Malone took place last week. "The fighting looked so contrived, for a minute I thought I was watching a new weekend edition of the 'Jerry Springer Show.' " (Ira Lawson)

Higher Learning: There's a new trend for school boards to hire non-educators. "These people are now more than willing to teach kids their three Rs: Wreading, Writing and Writhmetic." (Andrew Wisot)

Roll Call: Dow Corning has reached a tentative agreement to pay out $3.2 billion to women who have suffered problems with breast implants. "Playboy's Hugh Hefner has agreed to provide 50% of the names of the victims." (David Christensen)

Nail Power: Do you know about this new nail polish that changes colors as your mood changes? The darker the color, the worse your mood is. "This is going to be a godsend for guys. No more asking the wife is something's wrong. You walk in the house, you see that black nail polish, get the heck outta there!" (Leno)

L.A. Bomb: An object that was suspected to be a bomb was found in the federal building in downtown Los Angeles, which caused evacuations. "A team of crack scriptwriters was called in to render it harmless." (Jerry Perisho)

Big Beehives: Boxing promoter Don King was acquitted of insurance fraud. "He was, however, found guilty of using Viagra as a substitute for hair spray." (Wisot)

Marketing Magic: Viagra has a new slogan, "Let the Dance Begin." "You like it? I like it better than their first choice, 'Brace yourself, Grandma!' " (Leno)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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