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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

July 15, 1998

Confused Campaigns: Dan Quayle hired one of the country's top campaign managers to manage his run for the White House in 2000. "The guy was hired just in time. Quayle was this close to coming out against HMOs in the military." (Argus Hamilton)

Jackpot Joint: A Beverly Hills liquor store owner earned more than $87,000 for selling one of the four winning lottery tickets from Saturday night's big jackpot. "The owner says he will use his winnings to help pay next month's rent." (Werner S. Hass)

O.J.'s Back: O.J. Simpson is appealing the $33.5-million judgments against him in his civil trial. "When reporters asked why it took him so long to appeal, Simpson responded, 'I was busy chipping golf balls. . . . No, I was in the shower. . . . No, I was packing my bags.' " (Paul Ecker)

Safe Keeping: President Clinton endorsed a Senate bill that would make it harder for children to get their hands on guns. "The NRA opposed the measure, saying parents could prevent gun accidents by keeping their children in a locked cabinet when not in use." (Dennis Miller)

Truth Is . . . : According to a survey done for Newsweek, 53% of Americans believe news reporting is often inaccurate. "Oops, wait a second. It was actually 57% who said news reporting is often inaccurate." (Premiere Radio)

A Grand Slam: Baseball player Benny Agbayani got married at home plate in the Norfolk Tides' minor league baseball park. "The justice of the peace said, 'If you know any reason why these two should not be joined in marriage, spit and adjust your cup now or forever hold your peace.' " (Jerry Perisho)

Puck Punishments: A Canadian junior league hockey player has been charged with "assault to do great bodily harm" after attacking another player during a game. "If found guilty, he could be sentenced to spend the next 10 years in the major hockey leagues." (Steve Voldseth)

Scream 4: "Lethal Weapon 4" scored big at the weekend box office. "In fact, it made almost as much money as the concession stand does after my family buys popcorn and drinks." (Andrew Wisot)

Cinema Summary: "So far, the summer films in brief: Arm-a-geddon pretty tired of 'em. . . ." (Michael Feldman)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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