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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

July 17, 1998

Late Delivery: Hong Kong's new Chek Lap Kok Airport, at $20 billion the world's most expensive, came to a screeching halt just days after its opening when its computer system crashed. "There was so much confusion, pirated videos bound for the U.S. will be delayed at least three weeks." (Bob Mills)

Bedside Manner: Allstate recently sued 45 doctors, alleging fraud. The physicians are accused of stealing funds and neglecting patient needs. "The official charge is impersonating an insurance company." (Alan Ray)

Electric Pizza: Domino's Pizza is trying to get more customers to order off its Web site. "But most customers agree you should never download anchovies." (Premiere Radio)

Bull Run: Parroting the run with the bulls in Pamplona, a ranch in Mesquite, Nev., charged 700 guys $50 each to run with its bulls. "There haven't been this many people running from the bull since Ken Starr's last bunch of subpoenas." (Bill Williams)

Unagroper: President Clinton is still denying any improper sexual behavior, prompting O.J. Simpson to ask, "Who does he think he's kidding?" (John D. Beck and Ron Hart)

Migraine Media: According to the Journal of the American Medical Assn., the better educated people are, the more likely they are to get headaches. "Today, Excedrin pulled all its ads from the 'Jerry Springer Show.' " (Steve Voldseth)

*

The Essential David Letterman

Most of the top 10 other ways the Miss America Pageant will be different this year without Bert Parks:

9. Each contestant must be able to spell the name of her state.

8. Chief judge: Anne Heche.

7. Miss North Dakota must spend the entire pageant on Miss South Dakota's shoulders.

6. New "Recently Female" division.

5. More emphasis than ever on oxyacetylene welding.

4. "Swimsuit, Evening Gown and Talent" segments replaced with "Punt, Pass and Kick."

3. New hair-pulling competition judged by Jerry Springer.

2. Girls still make lame speeches about world affairs, but now they do it naked.

1. Looks not really that important.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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