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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

July 21, 1998

A Legacy: President Clinton has announced that after he leaves office, he's going to follow Jimmy Carter's example and build houses for the needy. "But Clinton's houses will be distinctive. They'll have massive stone walls." (LaMonte Laments)

Amazing Returns: Marv Albert will return as the voice of the New York Knicks. Frank Gifford is staying with ABC Sports. "Bill Clinton may be just a confession away from being the play-by-play guy for the Dallas Cowboys." (Argus Hamilton)

The Wonder Drug: A Century City Hospital doctor withdrew sperm from a dead man and used it to impregnate the man's widow. "You heard it--sperm from a corpse got a girl pregnant. That Viagra's really something." (Hamilton)

Two Hot: A heat wave scorched its way across the Los Angeles Basin, melting temperature records that had stood for decades. "The smog became so thick in the San Fernando Valley, one victim had to be given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from a leaf blower." (Bob Mills)

Food for Thought: MRI scans show that teenagers' brains function differently than those of adults. "They had to run MRIs to tell us that?" (Gary Easley)

Money Mouse: In honor of its 43rd birthday last week, Disneyland will roll back its prices to those of 1955. "However, tickets, meals and souvenirs for a family of four will cost $540." (Jerry Perisho)

Instant Message: A dog in San Lorenzo, Calif., was the first to receive silicone testicular implants. "Now instead of biting the mailman, the dog sort of woofs the America Online 'You've got mail' message." (Alex Kaseberg)

Moronic Mentions: In an interview, Jack Nicholson called Cuban dictator Fidel Castro a genius. "A genius? That's about as dumb as it gets." (Premiere Radio)

Big Feats: Frenchman Benoit Lecomte has begun his quest to swim across the Atlantic. "Jeez! Win the World Cup and you think you can do anything." (Premiere)

The Big Exit: The tombstone of movie idol James Dean has been stolen. "The suspects were last seen east of Eden. " (Premiere)

One Hot Shot: "How hot is it? So hot that at the Senate judiciary hearings, if you factor in the heat index, Fred Thompson feels more like Rush Limbaugh." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

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* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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