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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

July 27, 1998

Doctor, Doctor!: Actor Robert Young of "Father Knows Best" and "Marcus Welby, M.D." has died at the age of 91. "Young viewers everywhere are asking, 'You mean there were doctors who actually treated you when you were sick?' " (Premiere Radio)

Tanks, Hanks: Tom Hanks put his prints in wet cement at Mann's Chinese. "The footprints will be of 3-inch pumps, in honor of the fact that he finally is being recognized for his work in 'Bosom Buddies.' " (Gary Easley)

Air Rage: The airplane equivalent of road rage is reportedly on the rise. "It's really getting bad. Last time I flew, I took the black-eye flight." (Premiere Radio)

WILLY-FM: A radio station in Vancouver, British Columbia, has started broadcasting the sounds of killer whales 24 hours a day, seven days a week. "Among its offerings, ORCA-FM will feature talk shows that encourage whales to call in and blubber about their lives." (Ira Lawson)

Fashion Police: Secret service agents are duty-bound to report any crime they see the president commit. "Fashion critic Mr. Blackwell wants to know why none of them busted Bill Clinton for wearing those awful jogging shorts!" (LaMonte Laments)

Mouse Hunt: It was 43 years ago last week that Disneyland first opened its doors to the public. "Which means they should be at the head of the line . . . right about now." (Steve Voldseth)

What a Drag: A forensic science professor has been granted access to records to reinvestigate how former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover died. "The expected exhumation will also settle the long-running controversy over whether the chief was buried in an Yves Saint Laurent off-the-shoulder evening dress or, as some believe, a pink chenille cocktail dress by Bill Blass." (Bob Mills)

Census Report: More Americans are staying put. "Of the 42 million people who moved, almost 28 million remained in the same county, 8 million moved to a different county, and 6 million are still at the DMV." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

The Facts: How do you know whether you're spending too much time on the Internet? "Too much time: carpal tunnel syndrome. Way too much time: buttocks spreadeth syndrome." (Easley)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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