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Soon We Will All Be One With the World

June 01, 1998|JIM SHEA

Tomorrow.

It can be summed up in a single word:

One.

As in:

And then there was one.

Tomorrow, there will only be one of everything.

It is already happening in the world of big business.

Mega-companies are merging with other mega-companies, producing mega-mega-companies, which are merging with other mega-mega-companies. This will go on until everyone works for the same company.

Which, of course, will be called Microsoft.

The universal oneness then will spill over into the culture, and into the tiniest details of our daily lives.

What will it be like?

There will be one television show:

A sitcom about four self-absorbed New Yorkers who co-own a funeral home. It will be called "Seinoff."

There will be one food:

Chinese Kentucky-Fried McPizza.

There will be one hair color:

Blond. There will be one exception--Dennis Rodman.

There will be one excuse:

The dog ate it.

There will be one prescription drug for men:

Viagra-Plus (it will also grow hair).

There will be one prescription drug for women:

Viagra-Off.

There will be one movie plot:

It will center on a luxury liner, a big ice cube and a skinny guy who gets the girl.

There will be one sport:

Professional wrestling.

There will be one motor vehicle:

The SUB (Sport Utility Beetle).

There will be one word to express all emotions:

Cool.

There will be one alcoholic beverage:

The microbrewery-beer spritzer.

There will be one law:

Kenneth Starr.

There will be one tax rate:

Half.

There will be one joke:

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says:

"Hey, why the long face?"

There will be one airline seating section:

Cattle car.

There will be one song.

"One."

There will be one book:

"One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

There will be one garment:

The one-piece suit.

There will be one shoe:

Nikes, which will be sold one at a time.

There will be one political philosophy:

One-upmanship.

There will be one gadget for TV weathermen:

The coin.

There will be one breed of dog:

The attack Chia Pet.

There will be one rule of the road.

It will ban one finger.

There will, however, be two groups of people:

Oners and losers.

*

Jim Shea is a columnist at the Hartford Courant. To reach him write to Jim Shea, Hartford Courant, 285 Broad St., Hartford, CT 06115.

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