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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 01, 1998

What's the Percentage?: House Speaker Newt Gingrich charged Secretary of State Madeleine Albright with being a Palestinian agent. "This can't be true. She wants Israel to give up 13% of the West Bank. Agents only get 10%." (Argus Hamilton)

Cluck, Cluck: "The Chicken and the Egg are in bed after a passionate encounter. The Chicken is smoking a cigarette and stretching and feeling very relaxed. The Egg says, 'Well, I guess we answered that question.' " (Stephanie Wood)

So, Zoo Me: A fire in a New Jersey zoo killed more than 200 reptiles. "It's a real tragedy. The community is now without any legal help." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Double Trouble: "Two nuns are driving in Transylvania. All of a sudden a hideous vampire jumps on the hood of their car. 'What should I do?' yells the driver. 'Quick, turn on your windshield wipers,' says the other nun. So she does, but it doesn't stop the vampire. 'Now what do we do?' begs the frightened driver. 'Spray the window-washer fluid. I filled it with holy water,' the other nun says. So she does, and it burns the vampire but doesn't get him off the hood. 'Now what?' screams the terrified driver. 'Show him your cross,' the other nun replies. So she rolls down her window, sticks out her head, and yells in her loudest, most angry voice: 'Get the gosh darn heck off my hood!' "(Ashley DiNola)

Tick-Tock: Scientists now believe El Nin~o is responsible for making our days one-tenth of a millisecond longer. "That's a relief. I thought I was imagining it." (Steve Voldseth)

Retiring: Marion Barry will not run for reelection as mayor of Washington, D.C. "Too bad. Barry was a real crack politician." (Alex Kaseberg)

Blond Humor: "Two blonds are walking in the woods. One says to the other, 'Wow, look at those tracks.' The other says, 'Oooh, do you think they are bear tracks?' And then the train came." (Wood)

Bad Mouth: Johnnie Cochran says he was asked to represent Monica Lewinsky. "Good thing he declined. The last thing this country needs is Cochran pointing at Lewinsky and shouting, 'If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.' " (Hamilton)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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