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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 05, 1998

The Votes Are In: "And congratulations to Jerry Brown, who was elected mayor of Oakland. Brown said this is merely a stepping stone toward his ultimate goal, which is to become emperor of Mars." (Jay Leno)

More on the Mayor: "Jerry Brown, elected mayor of Oakland, has great credentials. He spent eight years in the governor's office and about two decades in space." (Albert Perrotta)

And More: "You know the difference between Jerry Brown and Bill Clinton? Jerry Brown never exhaled." (Leno)

Yet More: "Jerry Brown's first order of business will be to give Oakland a new image. He's starting with a new motto: 'To Infinity and Beyond.' " (Kenny Noble Cortes)

And the Loser Is: In the California governor's race, the big loser was this political newcomer, Al Checchi, who spent $40 million and has nothing to show for it. "Today Ken Starr said, 'Tell me about it.' " (Leno)

More Loss: "Just think of what Checchi could have accomplished if he had taken that $40 million and stuffed it into Bill Clinton's pocket. He'd be ambassador to China right now." (Leno)

Most Favored: "And in another major development, President Clinton announced he wants to renew 'most favored nation' status to China. You know what that means: The check cleared." (Leno)

Raise Your Right Paw: "Ken Starr wants Secret Service agents to testify. He wants the White House lawyers to testify. He wants private advisors to testify. He even wants personal secretaries to testify. The man is totally obsessed. He was last seen on the White House lawn, trying to get Buddy to speak." (Argus Hamilton)

No Spice: The big story that has rocked the world is that Ginger Spice has left the Spice Girls. "You know the really sad part about all this? She was the one that owned the karaoke machine." (Leno)

Challenged Spice: When Ginger Spice announced she was leaving, a reporter mentioned to the remaining four that they are now a quartet. "To which one of them replied: 'Please, no math.' " (Chris Pina)

Spice Stress: "I want to apologize if I look a little tired. I was up all night talking to Ginger Spice, trying to get her to change her mind." (Leno)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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