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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 08, 1998

Explosive: President Clinton is upset that India and Pakistan exploded nuclear devices, that nuclear proliferation may be out of hand. "Then the CIA came into the Oval Office with the worst possible news of all: Bill Gates has the bomb." (Argus Hamilton)

The Truth: Kenneth Starr grilled Sidney Blumenthal, who is Hillary Clinton's advisor. "Starr was trying to find out if there has ever been a sexual relationship between the president and the first lady." (Hamilton)

Lost Lingua: Californians voted Tuesday to eliminate bilingual education in schools. "My school was bilingual. Calculus and chemistry were all Greek to me." (Albert Perrotta)

Bump in the Night: Did you see that big red bump on President Clinton's forehead? He said he walked into a door. "What really happened is that he was going to meet an intern, and Motel 6 forgot to leave the light on." (Jay Leno)

Such Good Guys: Motorola is laying off 15,000 people, 10% of its work force. "The bad news is that lots of employees will get pink slips. The good news is that the company is giving them 30 free minutes to clear out their desks." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

All Wet: New York City is trying to lure L.A.'s lifeguards: "The drawback to being a lifeguard in New York is getting all those life preservers on the rats." (Paul Ecker)

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Shaggy Cafe Tale

This oldie but goodie comes from Rick Strack:

A man sits at a cafe, enjoying an after-work aperitif, when a gorgeous young woman walks in. He cannot take his eyes off her. The woman notices his attentive stare and walks directly toward him.

Before he can apologize for staring, the woman says, "I'll do anything for you, absolutely anything, for $100. There's only one condition."

"What's that?" asks the flabbergasted man.

The woman says: "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket and slowly counts out five $20 bills, which he presses into her hand. He looks deeply into her eyes as he says, "Paint my house."

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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